After Blarging about the trailer for “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus” a couple months ago, I finally got a chance to watch it last night.

Here’s the quick of it:

1.) Debbie Gibson… er, excuse me: Deborah Gibson’s performance was nothing short of constipated. And I mean that literally: Every face she made–whether it was one of concern, fear, anger or crazed lust for her Asian love interest–looked as if she desperately wanted to pinch a stink, but no amount of pushing was going to make it drop. If you’re looking for a more convincing performance from Miss Electric Youth, check out her March 2005 spread in “Playboy” magazine.

2.) Amazingly, for a movie that has both “mega shark” and “giant octopus” in its title, there really isn’t a whole lot of either in the movie. If you watched the trailer you’ve pretty much seen all of the “good” parts. Of course, there are a handful of giant-animal gems that they didn’t include in the trailer, but they are minimal. Much like the movie’s budget.

3.) Steven Seagal called, Lorenzo Lamas. He wants his douchey, pony-mullet hairdo back when you’re done with it.

4.) At one point, while standing on a beach next to a dead whale, Gibson’s character turns to one of her fellow scientists and says, “Come on. Let’s get a drink.” The next scene, however, is not in a bar, but back on the beach with the two of them drinking what appears to be homemade hooch out of bottles wrapped in brown paper bags. What kind of fucking scientists are you?!? Why not pour some out for all your dead homie scientists while you’re at it?!?

5.) Christ, I’m really struggling trying to come up with a fifth thing to say about this movie. Yeah, it’s that good. How about this: At least Tiffany* isn’t in it.

If you’re looking for better b-movies to laugh at and drink to, check out “Nightbeast”, “Frog-g-g!” and “The Shaft” with Naomi Watts.

Mega yawn,

-Shady

*Editor’s Note: For a more convincing performance from Tiffany, check out her April 2002 spread in “Playboy” magazine.