Orphan (Warner Bros.)
1. The audience repeatedly erupted into riotous laughter throughout the entire screening. And while that might be a studio’s desired reaction for some horror movies, I don’t think this is one of them.
2. Peter Sarsgaard once again plays… well, Peter Sarsgaard in what is a laughably terrible role.
3. Director Jaume Collet-Serra also directed the Paris Hilton-helmed “House of Wax,” which brings me to this point: HOW AM I NOT RICH YET?
4. The movie’s villain, a nine-year-old Russian orphan named Esther, looks like a shrunken version of Lilith from “Cheers.” Yeah, because that’s terrifying. Actually… scratch that. That’s fucking terrifying!
5. If I were to outline the movie’s entire storyline and final reveal for you here, and then swear on my mother’s life that it was true, you still wouldn’t believe me.
Use your money to buy “Coraline” on DVD instead,
5 comments
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July 22, 2009 at 3:49 pm
decker
Why you are not rich, yet.
1. Your parents are not billionaires. This will limit you from sucking off the family tit, thus making you rich by blood association.
2. You have neither tits or a vagina to flash at any given moment to grab headlines. This point also prohibits you from shaming your family by filming random sex acts. You could, but nobody wants to see that shit.
3. You have talent. This prohibits you from getting your own reality show or getting cast in shitty horror remakes.
4. You have a brain and can use it with relative ease. Although you may have the capacity to act like a complete idiot, you’re not.
The above points will make it very difficult to be inexplicably revered by the the media and the world. Sorry dude, you’re just going to have to earn that big pile of cash.
July 22, 2009 at 6:44 pm
jshady
I think that was the best compliment ever. Thanks, dude.
July 23, 2009 at 4:46 am
paulyspooner
or rob a bank…
September 16, 2009 at 3:36 pm
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