Orphan (Warner Bros.)

Poster for "Orphan"

1. The audience repeatedly erupted into riotous laughter throughout the entire screening. And while that might be a studio’s desired reaction for some horror movies, I don’t think this is one of them.

2. Peter Sarsgaard once again plays… well, Peter Sarsgaard in what is a laughably terrible role.

3. Director Jaume Collet-Serra also directed the Paris Hilton-helmed “House of Wax,” which brings me to this point: HOW AM I NOT RICH YET?

4. The movie’s villain, a nine-year-old Russian orphan named Esther, looks like a shrunken version of Lilith from “Cheers.” Yeah, because that’s terrifying. Actually… scratch that. That’s fucking terrifying!

5. If I were to outline the movie’s entire storyline and final reveal for you here, and then swear on my mother’s life that it was true, you still wouldn’t believe me.

Use your money to buy “Coraline” on DVD instead,

-Shady

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