New faucet! Fuck yeah!

Young me would hate old me,


Zombie Ethel is coming to get you, Barbara!

I might actually go to that church,


It's a Johnsons sighting!

…for inviting us out for some beers (and ginger ales)!

Looking forward to continuing the fun at the farm one day soon,


We were all so young.

That is all,


"Chicago" mag featuring both Shadys! Heisenberg digs it!

…to read a short piece I wrote for them called Just Some Casual Suggestions for New Tourist Attractions.

Or you can read it here.

Short and funny is what I excel at… and how I make love,


…proposed to K.B. Specifically, in a car parked in front of an L.A. Fitness gym.

L.A. proposal spot!

And that other spot in L.A. where I carved our initials into freshly poured sidewalk cement. Specifically, in front of our first apartment at 8635 Cashio Street.

L.A. carved concrete spot!

They’re both still there,


…but that didn’t stop teachers from giving me some sweet awards over the years.

First, I got this Certificate of Citizenship (whatever that means) from Principal Josie B. Gray and my fourth grade teacher Mrs. Koury of Lowell Elementary in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. This certificate was for “continuous effort” and “development of responsibility,” which you’ll notice are underlined. You may also notice that “good behavior” and “practice of courtesy” are crossed out. Yeah… sounds about right.

Framing that one!

I hit that milestone on June 10th, 1986 at only nine years old. BOOM, Y’ALL!

And on April 23rd, 1990, at the obnoxious age of 13, I got this Certificate of Award (pretty sure that’s not even proper English) for “Acting a Fool in Music Class” from Principal I.M. Nutty of Reform School. Or, more accurately, Mr. Ellington, my chorus teacher at Jackie Robinson Middle School.


I’ve made a living out of acting a fool,


Bacon is next!

She’s still got it,


…this past weekend!

Simon is kind of in there, promise.

And we love and miss you, Bowery.

We hope wherever you are right now is filled with tennis balls.

She'll always be one of the best.

Mr. Fabulous is wearing black (with patches of white) in mourning,


Also, the cream cheese version is gross.

Apparently, Ritz doesn’t know how to pluralize “flavor.”

Hint: You add an “S” to it,