Fuck these companies.

Fuck these companies.

When it comes to shitty service or a crappy company, I can hold a grudge FOREVER.

For example, I will never own another MasterCard credit card or eat a Martino’s hot dog because of a few general ass-fuckings I received from these shitball companies over a decade ago.

And don’t even get me started on “The Other Paper” in Columbus, Ohio… which I hope someday burns to the ground.

But I digress….

That’s just to put it all in perspective for you: When a company wrongs me, they will never, ever get another dime of my money again. And now that I have this nifty little blog, I can encourage others to do the same.

There are two new companies at the top of my corporate shit list, and I thought I’d share them with you.

First up is Greatland, which is actually a subsidiary of the Target brand. Greatland is responsible for filling Target’s shelves with a lot of outdoorsy crap, like lanterns and stoves and air mattresses.

Or at least cheaply-made plastic pieces of shit that they try and pass off as being air mattresses.

When we first got out to L.A. about a month ago, we had to buy an air mattress because we were squatting at a friend’s place until we could get our own apartment.

We bought our Greatland mattress (which cost almost $80) on November 4th. It held okay through the night, but was noticeably more squishy by morning. Finally, after ten days, I noticed a tiny hole in the air mattress.

Now, yeah, this was a pain in the ass and unfortunate, but this shit happens. No big deal. So I bundled it up, threw it back in the box and brought it back to the store with the receipt to get a replacement.

Got another one, brought it home, filled it up and, by morning, it also was noticeably squishy. So I searched and searched for something, anything that would be causing this thing to deflate. After all, it was JUST OUT OF THE BOX! We hadn’t even owned it for twelve whole hours, so it had to have a reasonable explanation.

Maybe I wasn’t tightening the valve enough. Maybe I hadn’t filled it up correctly, or enough. Right?

Wrong. Once again I found a tiny hole that had been leaking throughout the night.

LESSON LEARNED: Buy Coleman products. They’re made better, sturdier and CHEAPER, oddly enough.

Next up, UPS.

You know what? I don’t even have the ENERGY to tell you all the details of this nightmare, so I’ll just break down the facts:

1. UPS attempted to deliver a package to me while I was HOME and, despite there being a handwritten letter from me stuck on the door with my cell number on it, they STILL left me a notice of “attempted delivery.” Yeah, if by “attempted delivery” you mean “we came by and stuck a Post-It note on your fucking mailbox.”

2. I needed the package the next day, so I called to see if there was any way I could come and pick it up. They said yes, but that I had to be there between 7:30 PM and 8:30 PM, otherwise the window of my opportunity would close and I would have to wait until the following Monday before they attempted delivery again. And it was 7:15 PM when they were telling me this on the phone. Fine. I hopped in the car and drove the twenty-five minutes it takes to get to their downtown hub.

3. Wait in line for twenty minutes with the rest of the customers they’ve chosen to dick over, only to get to the front window around eight o’clock and have them tell me, “Oh… your truck isn’t even in yet. It will probably get in around 8:30. But if it comes in after that you’re just going to have to wait until Monday to get your package because we close the pick-up window.”

4. “What?”

5. Finally, at 8:30 PM on the money they announce, “This will be the last call of the night: Shady.” I have to admit I was happy to finally get my package, but I felt bad for the sad sacks who had waited around that entire time with me only to get bent over by UPS in the end. You should have seen how they were looking at me: Like we were all dying of the same horrific disease, but I was the person who received the last dose of antidote.

LESSON LEARNED: Use FedEx. Or DHL. Or USPS. Or Pony Express or fucking carrier pigeon, for all that matters. Just whatever you do, don’t use UPS.

Need a helpful reminder? Every time you see their brown logo, remember always that the color signifies the shitty service you’ll receive if you give them a dime of your money.

So those are my two cents, folks. And that’s two more cents than I ever plan on giving to Greatland and UPS in the future.