“Gran Torino” (Warner Bros.)

1. I get that the main character in this story is an old racist fuck, but the whole racism aspect is so overdone in “Gran Torino” that it becomes comical. You can only hear Eastwood’s character say “gook” and “nip” and “beaner” and “swamp rat” so many times before it just becomes… you know, painful. It’s almost like movies where every other word is “fuck.” It’s used so much that it quickly dips out of the realm of “how people really talk” and into the realm of caricature. Also, it’s offensive as fuck!

2. The story is great, and is honestly one of the more original and compelling storylines of any of the other Oscar contenders. But sadly, the acting is terrible! TERRIBLE! Eastwood is the best actor in the film, but that isn’t saying much. The rest of the supporting cast is so terrible, so stilted and awkward, that the movie actually becomes painful to watch in parts. It’s like… what’s it like? You know when your kid stars in some crappy school production that takes place in the auditorium/gym/cafeteria? And you go because they came out of your privates and you feel you owe it to them, even though you don’t really want to go because you know it’s going to be painful? And you sit there grinning and nodding while they deliver their lines because that’s all your body will really let you do? You know what that’s like, right? Well, it’s WORSE THAN THAT, because school productions of “The Fiddler on the Roof” are supposed to suck. This is a goddamn big-budgeted film that has already been nominated for Golden Globes!

3. At least it’s not “Mamma Mia!”

4. It has a good and solid ending. The story comes together very nicely. That is, until–

5. Eastwood sings the theme song at the end of the movie! Let me say that again: CLINT EASTWOOD SINGS THE THEME SONG AT THE END OF THE MOVIE!

RATING: 438 racial slurs and 1 Clint Eastwood karaoke jam

Are you feeling lucky… oh, it’s just too easy,