You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2008.

…the suicide of a Milwaukee-area DJ named Rock Dee.

Even though it turned out okay, this was absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. I’m a master of fart jokes and bad puns, not long-form narrative nonfiction that deals with life, love and death.

Still, I thought I’d share it with you.

-Shady

In so many ways, to be honest. But one of the most blatant oddities of Los Angeles is its local news scene.

It’s so bizarre, in fact, that I’ve been DVRing the local news every time I see something unbelievable. The next steps are to record it off the TV, post it on YouTube, and finally place it here for you, dear reader, because this is local news you have to see to believe.

Of course, all local news sucks no matter which city it originates from. But only in L.A. will you find a reporter interviewing Barney about how he foiled a bus-jacking in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater:

And only in the City of Angels will a meteorologist suddenly burst into dance during the middle of a newscast because they happen to be playing Estelle’s “American Boy” in the studio:

Oh, yes… L.A.

Like most of my ex-girlfriends, you’re so fucking mental, I kinda love you.

Stay tuned for more.

This just in,

-Shady

I want to buy you a drink, and I’m totally serious.

Email me here.

Not a creepy stalker, just a fan,

-Shady

Right here:

These are the broken promises that I won’t recall when the sun comes up,

-Shady

…and I had forgotten how awesome it is. Especially the part where it gets all high and soprano-y, like the keyboardist got his balls slammed in a car door!

And no, I’m not kidding. I know I bag on a lot of stuff and hate almost everything, but this song reminds me of being a little kid and watching MTV at my grandparents’ house in Pewaukee, Wisconsin (because they were the only people we knew who had cable in the early eighties).

So check out the long-lost jam “Something About You” from the completely forgotten band Level 42.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on in the video, but it’s so eighties that it makes my Trapper Keeper hurt. Keep an eye out for the lead singer banging his guitar with his rubbery thumb.

Check it out:

Drawn into the stream of undefined illusion,

-Shady

Eariler this year, before middle-management fuckholes decided to shut down, I used to contribute to a blog for Milwaukee’s weekly publication “MKE.”

Every once in awhile I’d do a column called “Lyric by Lyric,” where I’d deconstruct a song one lyric at a time. Unfortunately, the same aforementioned fuckholes decided to not only shut down “MKE,” but also completely get rid of its website and all of its content, almost as if the whole thing never happened.

Well, I’ve managed to salvage two of the “Lyric by Lyrics” I did for “MKE” and have decided to post them both here. I’ll also be posting more of these on “The Blarg” on and off, so keep checking back for more.

Until then, here’s some LL Cool J to warm you up. I’ve also included the video in case you feel like singing along.

-Shady

The Artist: LL Cool J
The Song: “Mama Said Knock You Out”
The Album: Mama Said Knock You Out (1990)

C’mon, man

I’m ready.

Don’t call it a comeback
I been here for years
Rocking my peers, putting suckas in fear

Really? When was that? Was that before or after you recorded “I Need Love,” Ladies Love Cool James?

Making the tears rain down like a monsoon

I can’t wait to see what you rhyme with “monsoon.”

Listen to the bass go boom

Nice try, but not even close. You should have been like, “Makin’ the tears rain down like a monsoon / Yo ass better grab a pontoon!” I know, that sucks too, but I’m not the legendary rapper here.

Explosion, over-powering
Over the competition I’m towering
Wrecking shop, when I drop these lyrics that’ll make you call the cops

Actually, I kinda wanted to call the cops with that last monsoon lyric because you committed a heinous rhyme crime.

Don’t you dare stare, you betta move
Don’t ever compare
Me to the rest that’ll all get sliced and diced
Competition’s paying the price

Competition may very well be paying the price, but at least they don’t have “Rollerball” on their movie resume.

I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out [x4]

Your mama told you to beat me up? What a biatch!

Don’t you call this a regular jam

This is a regular jam. What you gonna do? Have your mama put a hit out on me, mama’s boy?!?

I’m gonna rock this land
I’m gonna take this itty-bitty world by storm
And I’m just getting warm
Just like Muhammad Ali they called him Cassius

True. And your real name is James Todd Smith.

Watch me bash this beat like a skull
‘Cause you know I had beef with
Why do you riff with me, the maniac psycho

Within three lines you bring up beef, a skull and being a maniac psycho. Hot!

And when I pull out my jammy get ready ’cause it might go blauw

I’m not sure what your jammy is or why it would make that weird noise, but please keep it the hell away from me.

How ya like me now
The river will not allow

River? What River? The Milwaukee River? River Phoenix? Joan Rivers? What the hell are you talking about?

You to get with Mr. Smith, don’t riff
Listen to my gear shift
I’m blasting, outlasting
Kinda like Shaft, so you could say I’m shafting

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! But no, seriously, you’re nothing like Shaft.

Old English filled my mind

You’ve studied The King’s English as written by Henry Watson Fowler and Francis George Fowler? Wow, you are educated! What’s that? It’s a reference to malt liquor? Oh. Never mind.

And I came up with a funky rhyme

“Mind” and “rhyme” don’t actually rhyme. See the irony here?

I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out [x4]

Breakdown!!!

Shadowboxing when I heard you on the radio
I just don’t know
What made you forget that I was raw?

Is this a reference back to the beef thing?

But now I got a new tour
I’m going insane, starting the hurricane, releasing pain
Letting you know that you can’t gain, I maintain

Dude, that was five rhyming words in a row! Keep going!

Unless you say my name

Damn.

Ripping, killing
Digging and drilling a hole
Pass the ol’ gold

I have no clue what the hell any of that means.

I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out [x4]

Shotgun blasts are heard
When I rip and kill at will
The man of the hour, tower of power, I’ll devour
I’m gonna tie you up and let you understand

You’re gonna tie me up and LET me understand? How thoughtful of you.

That I’m not your average man
When I got a jammy in my hand

And now your jammy is back?!?

Damn!!! Oh!!!

Listen to the way I slay… your crew
Damage
Damage
Damage
Damage

I get it, I get it. You’re doing a lot of damage. Move on already.

Destruction, terror and mayhem
Pass me a sissy so suckas I’ll slay him
Farmers!
What?
Farmers!
What?

Wait a minute. You’re gonna slay a sissy, but you need the help of some farmers to do it? What?!?

I’m ready!
We’re ready!
I think I’m gonna bomb a town!
Get down!

Are you telling us to “get down” as in take cover? Or to, like, get funky? If it’s the latter, I think people might have a bit of an issue with getting funky right after you bomb their town, especially if the farmers got your back.

Don’t you never, ever pull my lever

Is that a sex thing?

‘Cause I explode

Yes it is!

And my nine is easy to load

Dude, we get it already. Kids read this thing! Knock it off!

I gotta thank God

You go from all that sex stuff to God? You ARE hardcore!

‘Cause he gave me the strength to rock hard!

Oh, man… kids, if you’re reading this click here to visit Disney’s website to cleanse your soul.

I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out [x4]

…at Fan-Belt Milwaukee right here.

Dig it!

Where’s the Jonas Brothers on that list,

-Shady

…at least in this house it is.

Oh, and so is this guy.

So deep it’ll put your butt to sleep… forever,

-Shady

“Gran Torino” (Warner Bros.)

1. I get that the main character in this story is an old racist fuck, but the whole racism aspect is so overdone in “Gran Torino” that it becomes comical. You can only hear Eastwood’s character say “gook” and “nip” and “beaner” and “swamp rat” so many times before it just becomes cliche. It’s almost like movies where every other word is “fuck.” It’s used so much that it quickly dips out of the realm of “how people really talk” and into the realm of caricature.

2. The story is great, and is honestly one of the more original and compelling storylines of any of the other Oscar contenders. But sadly, the acting is terrible! TERRIBLE! Eastwood is the best actor in the film, but that isn’t saying much. The rest of the supporting cast is so terrible, so stilted and awkward, that the movie actually becomes painful to watch in parts. It’s like… what’s it like? You know when your kid stars in some crappy school production that takes place in the auditorium/gym/cafeteria? And you go because they came out of your privates and you feel you owe it to them, even though you don’t really want to go because you know it’s going to be painful? And you sit there grinning and nodding while they deliver their lines because that’s all your body will really let you do? You know what that’s like, right? Well, it’s WORSE THAN THAT, because school productions of “The Fiddler on the Roof” are supposed to suck. This is a goddamn big-budgeted film that has already been nominated for Golden Globes!

3. At least it’s not “Mamma Mia!”

4. It has a good and solid ending. The story comes together very nicely. That is, until–

5. Eastwood sings the theme song at the end of the movie! Let me say that again: CLINT EASTWOOD SINGS THE THEME SONG AT THE END OF THE MOVIE!

RATING: 438 racial slurs and 1 Clint Eastwood karaoke jam

Are you feeling lucky, gook?

-Shady

…downloads right here.

That site has four free tracks from the kind folks at Green Label Sound. All of them are good, but be sure to grab “Big Bills” from the wonder duo Flosstradamus, which features guest vocals from Caroline PolachekĀ of Brooklyn’s indie-synth band Chairlift.

Get ’em! They’re free!

-Shady

Old Poop!