You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2009.

It’s not YouTube’s fault that your son is a moron.

It’s in the genes,


dead at the age of 94.



“The Blarg” had its biggest day yesterday with nearly 420 unique views!

I’d like to think it was mostly because of this or this, but I’m more inclined to think it had to do with this. Especially with over 40 comments on the post.

Whatever the case, I’m just glad it happened!

Thanks to all the readers, and super-awesome thanks to those who’ve passed “The Blarg” along to friends.

Shooting for 500,


I get it: There’s a guy in the White House who you’re not too keen on. You didn’t vote for him, and you sure as hell don’t like his politics.

That’s fair. I get that part of it. You know why? Because I was an angry loud-mouthed asshole for eight long years when Dubya was president, and no one could convince me to be anything but.

But that was then and this is now. It’s now your turn to be angry. It’s your turn to be loud and obnoxious. It’s your turn to be the asshole.

Tag. You’re it.

But while I do get your need to be a dick about this whole health care thing, keep this in mind: If you’re against overhauling the shitty health care system in America, what that really means is that you’re for the money-hungry health insurance companies who let the poor die every single day.

You really have to ask yourself who the bigger evil is. Is it the government? Is it big business? Or is it all of you people who want health care to stay on the same doomed path it has been on for decades now?

Think about that the next time you spout off your socialized medicine rhetoric.

May you all be as painfully unhappy as I was from 2000 to 2008,


Cover of "The Lava is a Floor!"

My newest children’s book, “The Lava Is A Floor!”, is out today!

Be sure to visit your local comic shop and pick up a copy! Or click here to order a copy from Amazon.

This place has everything,


If you know me (or have ever known me, to be honest), you know that I have a long list of insane stories from my past that I tell regularly at parties and get-togethers.

(If you don’t know me, you know now because I just told you.)

More often than not, these stories are told through a haze of alcohol, my arms flailing wildly around the room as I spout off about something or other. Some of these stories involve my childhood. Others are rooted in my high school and college years. And almost all of them teeter that fine line between “Ridiculous” and “Get-The-Fuck-Out-Of-Here Unbelievable.”

For years now, my friends and family have been telling me to write these stories down. And, for just as many years, I’ve put it off. Until now.

Starting in the next few days, I will begin featuring a set of short stories called “Stories To Tell Before I Forget.” These tales are, well… exactly that: True tales from the Shady canon that will now forever be immortalized here on “The Blarg.”

Let me warn you ahead of time: You will not believe all of these stories, and I won’t blame you one bit for doubting their validity. But if my word means anything to you, dear reader, please believe this: Each and every one of these stories are 100% accurate and true.

Or at least as true as I remember them to be.

So keep an eye out for these stories in the coming days. Each story title will be prefaced with “Stories To Tell Before I Forget,” so you’ll know one when you see one.

It’s a good time to get these out. I hope you’ll enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy telling them.



First, what the “G.I. Joe” movie should have looked like.

And second, a famous mad man impersonating another famous mad man.

Makes me wish I had thought of these first,


Pee-wee Herman


Once again it’s time to scream real loud,


I’m just saying.


"Inglourious Basterds"

1. I used to love Quentin Tarantino… fifteen years ago. Since then, I have to be honest, I’ve been pretty bored with everything he’s put out. “Jackie Brown” was painful, the “Kill Bill” movies were way too long and masturbatory, and, let’s admit it, his segments in both “Four Rooms” and “Grindhouse” were the worst of the batch. So I approached “Inglourious Basterds” with some hesitation because, well, his track record as of late hasn’t been the best. But with that being said, I can excitedly and honestly now say this: Tarantino is back with his best film since 1994’s “Pulp Fiction.” And the best part is that he’s back doing what he does best: Weaving individual story lines of interesting characters together, with hilarious and brilliant dialogue serving as the glue. Oh, and he’s killing every motherfucker in the room with hyper-violence.

2. My only two gripes:

1) Mike Myers (yes, that Mike Myers) plays a small role in the film as a Brit. He’s in full makeup (including what I’m assuming is a fake nose) and talks with a bad British accent. But while I do like Myers in a handful of movies (“So I Married An Ax Murderer,” “Wayne’s World”), the whole thing just reeks of a clichéd Myers character creation from “Austin Powers.” His placement is awkward, his performance laughable, and not in a good way.

2) Most of the score feels at home in the film, but in one specific scene (don’t worry, I’m not giving spoilers here) David Bowie’s “Cat People (Putting Out The Fire)” is used. Because, you know, nothing says 1940’s World War II-era Germany like a David Bowie tune from 1982. Like Myers cameo, the song sticks out as feeling both out of place and unnecessary.

3. While parts of the movie are wonderfully violent, Tarantino picks and chooses when to show the violence and when not to. The movie’s first scene is extremely tense, and you have a fairly good idea that something is going happen. But in the end, the climax is handled in a way that isn’t typical for Tarantino. Because of decisions like this, the acts of intense violence have much more of an impact.

4. The cast is fantastic. Outside of Brad Pitt and B.J. Novak from “The Office” (and appearance-less cameos from Harvey Keitel and Samuel L. Jackson), the rest of the cast has either done very little acting or appeared mostly in foreign films. Because of this, their performances are extremely believable. We’re not seeing an actor’s interpretation of, say, Joseph Goebbels. We’re seeing Joseph Goebbels. And, man, is he a cocksucker. Whoever handled the casting on this movie should be given some kind of a casting award. Not sure if that actually exists or not, but if it does, they should get it.

5. The ending is amazing. I spent the last five minutes of the movie laughing outloud with giddy pleasure… even though it wasn’t really appropriate. After it was over, I literally whispered to myself with a giggle, “Holy fuck.”

My verdict? Outside of “Up,” this is the best film of the year so far.

The Bear Jew,


Old Poop!