…right here:
Last night, Dori and I saw the new Twilight movie, “New Moon.”
I’d only seen the first half-hour of the first one, because Dori, who read the book, rented it. But I had to leave when one of the vampires started twinkling in the sunlight. No joke. He twinkled… like the bedazzled little turd-herder he is.
So, outside of the sparkling, I was pretty much out of the loop as to what actually happens in these films, beyond the overwhelming amount of teenagers being pretty put out by, well, everything. (There’s also a record amount of “like” and “um” in the dialogue. Pretty sure the script is just filled with those words, and no others. Maybe the screenwriter for this should hang out with the screenwriter from “Juno.” Then they can make teenagers’ heads explode.) Turns out you don’t really NEED to know what happens in the first film, because the second one is so awful, you don’t care three minutes in. Sure, it made $150 million in its first weekend or something like that, but so did Sarah Palin’s book thanks to that Darth Vader of daytime television, Oprah.
Save for some pretty great special effects when some werewolves fight– yes, the best part of a VAMPIRE film is when NON-VAMPIRES do something– this movie was bad… to a point where it could almost be one of those films we’d rent back in the day and make fun of the entire time.
I’ll stop ripping on it here, so as not to give anything away in case you are a huge fan and don’t care what my heartless, soul-less ass thinks about this supernatural love story. I’ll instead leave you with my favorite piece of dialogue. To set the scene, they’re in the woods (big shock), and something emotionally riveting is about to happen. Twinkle-pants is telling the drippy female lead he and his vampire family have to leave town. I can’t remember exactly because I was trying to count my teeth at this point… by running my tongue over each individual one slowly and carefully. But then this happens. Say it out loud for maximum effect:
Bella: Are you telling me you don’t want me to come?
Edward: (after about two minutes of them just looking at each other, stifling tears… or seizures) I don’t want you to come.
I almost passed out trying not to laugh at this. Largely because these kids would have WAY less problems if they WOULD come. But instead of getting drunk and hand-jobbing each other, like good American teens should be doing at this age, they’re worried about dumb shit, like sunlight and LiveJournal.
Oh– AND, my former arch-nemesis is in this. (Not Tom Hanks. The most recent one.)
Just thought I’d share… in case you can see this with people who will drink and laugh at it with you.
Better than any post I’ve ever written,
12 comments
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November 24, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Julie
Haha!
November 24, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Paul Spooner
I don’t get it, I watched half the first movie and I just don’t see what everyone is going on about….seriously, what is it?
November 24, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Drew
isn’t it just about sex (subliminally)?
I don’t know…
November 24, 2009 at 7:16 pm
susanne
It’s about not having sex but wanting it really, really, really badly….
November 24, 2009 at 8:57 pm
lille
livejournal! how 2004 of you, dwellephant
November 25, 2009 at 5:05 am
gofrankgo
I love Dwellephant. Hard.
November 25, 2009 at 5:11 am
gofrankgo
By the way, I am totally Team Jacob, whatever the fuck that means.
November 25, 2009 at 9:02 am
decker
The Lady and I went to check out the 3-D Christmas Carol at the Lennox and it was swarmed with Twilight Twits chattering, twittering and flittering about. I have no intention of reading the books or seeing the movies for several reasons. Here are 3.
1. I am a man creeping towards 40 and not gay.
2. From what I can see from the trailers the cannon of vampires is all together shit upon. Twinkle Toes Edward should burst into flame in sunlight, any sunlight. A cloudy Northern Pacific Coast day should kill you not make you sparkle like bubble gum lip gloss.
3. Werewolf cannon is also shit upon. The six pack wolf pack need not wait for the full moon to wolf out. No, they don’t even need to wait till it’s dark.
I’m not such a purist that I won’t accept any tinkering with the well established laws of vampires and werewolves, but this Twilight is just fucking dumb.
November 25, 2009 at 11:49 am
Bob Steib
Milan,
That was absolutely the funniest email I have seen on the Blarg.
I read all 4 books, because I love to read and love vampires in any
form. The second book was hard to get through. Yes, I am over 40
and not gay, but have to teenage daughters and love vampires. Lost
Boys was my favorite vampire movie of all time and Buffy was my
favorite show, ever. Not just favorite vampire show, but favorite show.
This stuff took many liberties on myths, but so does True Blood, somewhat.
I don’t plan to see this movie until I can rent it and make fun of it.
I plan on showing my daughters your comments just to piss them off.
Yes, I am that kind of father.
November 25, 2009 at 3:24 pm
jshady
HAHAHA! CRUELTY! I love it!
November 25, 2009 at 4:31 pm
dwellephant
Bob, thank you. And I think you should wait until Justin is home sometime, then we can all get drunk and have a Twilight marathon. We’ll also force your daughters and their friends to suffer our comedic wrath.
November 25, 2009 at 4:35 pm
gofrankgo
Ooh. Can I get in on that?