…I just happened to be messing around on Facebook while watching the evening news. They were talking about swine flu and how, despite the number of cases dropping across the country, a lot of people were still freaking out about it.
And so, for a reason I don’t even understand myself, I updated my Facebook status with this: SWINE FLU!
Let me be clear here: I didn’t say that I had swine flu; I just e-screamed it in all caps, and polished it off with an exclamation mark.
The Facebook feedback was both immediate and insane. Friends and family messaged me within minutes, trying to verify that I had tested positive for H1N1.
My next status update: I DON’T HAVE SWINE FLU!
A few days later, my friend Sue suggested I do the something similar, but step it up a notch this time.
My next status update: PREGNANT!
That was it. One word, one exclamation point. And it came on the heels of an admitted lie of illness!
Still, the compliments came flooding in.
My friend Josh: “Really? Congratulations, man! You’ll make a bad-ass dad!”
My friend Jason: “Congrats! Now you can use all those phrases you’ve been saving up, like, ‘Go to your room and don’t come out until you’re not ugly!'”
My cousin Annie: “Say what now?”
Almost immediately, while stuck at work and completely unaware of the Facebook madness that was going on, my girlfriend Kathy started getting instant messages from friends back home looking to verify her pregnancy.
A few hours later, after admitting on Facebook that Kathy was not pregnant, Kathy received the following voicemail from her friend Ericka in Houston: “Tell your boyfriend he is not funny. And just to be clear, finding out that you’re pregnant on Facebook is not acceptable; neither is finding out that you’re engaged.”
Within seconds, my Facebook status: ENGAGED!
You would think by now that my friends and family wouldn’t believe a goddamn thing on my Facebook profile. You’d be wrong.
Within minutes of posting, I received congratulations from high school and college friends, a “wow” from an old family friend, and an “ohmygosh” from my cousin Erica.
And so, dear friends, I want to take this moment to be entirely clear: If I ever get a serious disease, am about to become a father, or propose to Kathy, I promise I will not announce it on Facebook.
Unless, of course, it’s something less serious, like “SEX CHANGE!” or “PRISON!” or “DEAD!” Those types of posts are 100% accurate.
Amazed that people believe anything on Facebook,
18 comments
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December 15, 2009 at 2:45 am
Paul
But I already bought a gift for the baby…
December 15, 2009 at 6:55 am
John
I saw the “pregnant” comment and just assumed YOU were pregnant, Justin. And I wasn’t even that shocked.
December 15, 2009 at 1:12 pm
jshady
HAHA! Thanks, John! That’s a compliment!
December 15, 2009 at 9:18 am
Josh Peters
It’s not about believing THINGS on Facebook. It’s about believing PEOPLE. I announced Mindy’s last pregnancy (and will probably announce the kid’s birth in February) on Facebook only because of how many people I can reach in one entry. It’s insane. Also, it saves me some time. If it’s one thing I can’t stand it’s repeating myself to 100 different people the same information.
That being said, I knew you were fucking around with the swine flu. But when you announce pregnant with an exclamation mark, I took it for what it was. Am I a rube? Maybe. But you DO stick your pee-pee in Kathy from time to time and it COULD happen. I still think you’d be a bad ass dad.
Hey, where’s the Pee-Wee review?
December 15, 2009 at 1:10 pm
jshady
HAHA! No, you’re not a rube! And you’re right, I probably will announce it on Facebook at SOME POINT because it does reach so many people. But my DAD?!? Kathy’s SISTER?!? These are people we DEFINITELY will be telling in person or on the phone.
Pee-wee piece coming today…
December 15, 2009 at 11:04 am
Kittridge
I knew it! I wasn’t falling for this last one.
December 15, 2009 at 11:08 am
dwellephant
This is the only thing that’s happened in the year-plus since I QUIT facebook that makes me MISS facebook.
December 15, 2009 at 1:11 pm
jshady
Come back! Just kidding.
December 15, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Frank Cvetkovic
AUDITED!
December 15, 2009 at 1:11 pm
jshady
Ugh. That would be followed by “SUICIDE!”
December 15, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Frank Cvetkovic
All of your Face book updates should be one-word mindfucks from now on.
December 15, 2009 at 1:11 pm
jshady
No kidding!
December 15, 2009 at 1:05 pm
In regards to… « THE BLARG
[…] AM, California, early morning, Facebook, Illinois, joke, phone call, PREGNANT!, sister …this post: This morning, at 6:57 AM, Kathy’s sister called to see if she was […]
December 15, 2009 at 1:36 pm
TWM
Meh.
Same experiment was done live-action here in D.C. with the intent of making people feel bad. Spring of 2007, they had a concert violinist play his Strad in the L’Enfant Metro stop. You know, right where the buskers usually hang out? Didn’t tell anyone who this cat was, or what he was doing. Then they tried to make us *feel* bad for not stopping to “appreciate the beauty in life.” Hello, it’s a fucking Metro stop. Folks are marching off to the cubicle farm trying to earn money for Timmy’s braces. If the man had worn a sign saying “I IS A VIOLIN GAWD,” I would have stopped, too. (Alas, I did not arrive in Chocolate City until 04JUL.) I’ve slapped down THREE whiny chain letters from that Experiment of Smug to date.
I, for one, never believe a word you say.
Still not convinced you really exist,
TWM
December 15, 2009 at 1:42 pm
jshady
I don’t exist. Or do I?
Did I just blow your mind?
December 15, 2009 at 4:49 pm
jeremyrscott
Umm, yeah. Notice, I didn’t call you on any of this. I know’s your full of shit.
December 16, 2009 at 11:26 am
Bob Steib
Since I don’t know how to do bookface, I will have to rely on The Blarg
for all information, personal or otherwise. That is how I get my
obituary notices and other important news.
Bob
December 16, 2009 at 8:53 pm
jshady
Goddamn right.