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You clearly don’t know what you’re talking about!

My name is an awesome name,


…also known as Dr. Oz’s 3-Day Detox Cleanse!

That’s right, folks! After nearly killing myself four years ago, and then revisiting the torture two years later, KB and I have decided to try our hands at yet another detoxing cleanse. Whoopee!

The good news is that, unlike the previous detox from Arbonne, this cleanse is only three days long. But it’s a long three days, my friends. A long… three… days.

Basically, for three days in a row you blend up a large shake for every meal. Three days, nine meals, nine shakes. And that’s it. Other than water and green tea, that’s all you get!

The breakfast shake is the best of the batch, which sucks because that means my day is all downhill after 10AM. It’s made of mostly berries and bananas and some other sweet crap.

The lunch shake is the absolute worst. It’s made from kale and cucumbers and celery and other boring-ass foods that people typically douse in dressing or dip to cover up their blah taste. It’s boring and slow and painful… a lot like this movie I’m half-watching right now called Shame (which should’ve been called Michael Fassbender’s Huge Dong Flails Around In Front Of The Camera For An Hour And Forty Minutes).

Still, I’d gladly take Michael Fassbender’s enormous dong over one ounce of that awful lunch shake any day of the week.

The dinner shake is the middle ground. Half of it is sweet, the other half is avocado, kale and cayenne pepper. It tastes somewhere between the sweetest salsa you’ve ever tasted and the shittiest ice cream you’ve ever licked.

I’m selling the shit out of this, aren’t I?

We just finished day two (we’re six meals down with three to go). So why am I telling you all this?


No shit, I rewound a Denny’s commercial about ten times tonight because it showed a real breakfast being made! I saw a commercial for one of those natural dog food products that shows the hunks of meat and vegetables before they get mashed into a paste and my mouth started watering! Earlier tonight, I almost licked the fork after feeding Meatshake and Heisenberg their wet food!

Somebody! Anybody! Please… BRING ME A SANDWICH!

Goddamn… Saturday morning’s breakfast is going to taste awesome… even if it’s just a bowl of Raisin Bran.

If any of you masochists out there are interested in trying this torture for yourself, here’s the outline.

Three Days in Hell, by Dr. Oz!

Dr. Oz? More like Dr. Mengele,


PS: I was wrong about Shame. It was way worse than I originally thought.

Lyin' Ass Bitch!

Following in the steps of Sarah… somebody or other,


I like this.

I’ve passed it many times but finally took a picture of it,


Well? Should I?



"I'd like to bi a vowel, Pat."

It was actually “PITCHING A NO-HITTER.”

That’s not nearly as fun,


Get your pets spayed and neutered... AND LOCK THEM THE FUCK UP!

…of how many animals we’ve rescued since moving to Los Angeles, but the one above (which I rescued earlier today) definitely puts it in the 12 to 15 range.

Animal magnetism,



…so let me just say this in advance: You’re welcome!



Investigation Discovery: "The Network You Should Pray To God You're Never Featured On"

…especially with this terrifying lineup of shows:

Catch My Killer
Dates From Hell
Evil Twins
Hookers: Saved on the Strip
Karma’s a Bitch

Nightmare Next Door
Stalked: Someone’s Watching
Swamp Murders
The Devil You Know
Wives with Knives

My life is more like OWN’s daytime lineup,


Dave Theune + She-Ra

…plays doctor to Kylie Minogue’s She-Ra in this new Funny or Die short.

I hope Fisto makes an appearance,


Old Poop!