…tomorrow fucking morning I’m going to fucking wake up and vote for Hillary fucking Clinton, and you’re going to do the same fucking thing. You know fucking why? Because if you don’t, fuck you.
I know a lot of people are dishing out the standard, more diplomatic rallying call of, “It doesn’t matter who you vote for, just vote.” But guess what? I am not a lot of people, and so I have no fear or qualms in saying that if you don’t vote for Hillary fucking Clinton tomorrow you can go fuck yourself right in the fucking ass. With what, you might ask? My fucking dick. Or your own fucking dick. Or Bob Dole’s fucking dick. Honestly, I don’t care what you fuck yourself with so long as you fucking fuck yourself hard with it.
Oh, what’s that? The old white guy you wanted to win the fucking Democratic nomination didn’t win and now you don’t feel good about casting your vote for the fucking person that did? Awww, come here, little buddy. Let me put a Band-Aid on that skinned knee of yours… and then tell you to go fuck yourself. Guess what, whiny motherfucker? The person I voted for in the primaries—as in every fucking primary fucking ever—has never gone on to win the fucking nomination, so cry me a fucking river, you fucking baby.
That’s right, Obama wasn’t my first fucking choice in 2008. Who was? U.S. Representative Dennis fucking Kucinich. Do you remember him? Of course you fucking don’t because he didn’t fucking win. But guess fucking what? I swallowed my fucking pride, bit my fucking lip, and voted for the goddamn nominee that was handed to me because that’s what you fucking do when you’re up against John fucking McCain.
Though in hindsight, the 2008 election was like a fucking dream sequence from a shitty 1990s, made-for-fucking-TV movie compared to the fucking fuck-tastrophe of political ass-fucking that is this fucking election.
So you don’t feel good about Clinton or Trump, and to lash out against those two choices—like a rebellious teenage fucking moron that has no real clue about anything whatso-fucking-ever—you’re going to cast a vote for either Gary fucking Johnson or Jill fucking Stein instead.
Cool, dude! And fuck you. Because if that’s the case you’re dumber than the fucking idiot you’re voting for. When those two halfwits can point to fucking Aleppo on a fucking map, name a fucking world leader, or explain to me the “dangers” of fucking Wi-Fi (fucking seriously, Jill Stein fucking said this), then and only then can they have your vote. Until that time comes, you’re just gonna have to fucking grin, fucking bear it, and vote for Hillary fucking Clinton.
But wait! You’re going to vote for Trump, you say. Because he’s the lesser of two evils. Because he’s the one person that’ll bring real change to America.
Fuck fucking you, you motherfucking motherfucker.
So you’re voting for Trump because you’re a xenophobe. Or a racist. Or a sexist. Or a narcissist. Or a nationalist. And on, and on, and on, and on….
Or worse yet, you’re not any of those fucking things, but for whatever reason you’re totally fucking okay with voting for a human fucking piece of shit that is. If that’s fucking true, if that’s the real fucking case, then seriously, fuck you.
This election is about more than the divide that exists between Democrats and Republicans; in fact, this election transcends politics as a whole. This isn’t about being a fucking liberal or a fucking conservative. It’s bigger than all that shit.
I am a proud-as-fuck Democrat. I have never voted for a Republican in any election ever. That said, if Donald Trump had ended up being the fucking Democratic nominee—if he were the person representing the party I’ve sided with my entire life—I would never in a million fucking years vote for that fucking motherfucker. Ever.
Tomorrow, I encourage you to take fucking heed and think long and fucking hard before placing an “X” next to the name of the person you’re voting for.
Because when all this shit passes—which it will—how do you want to be remembered? As the xenophobe? The racist? The sexist? The narcissist? The nationalist? Or the person who isn’t any of those fucking things, but still had no fucking qualms voting for a person that is?
If you’re okay with being any of those things, then fuck you. I’ll see you on the other side—the wrong side—of history.
But if you’re not okay with it, I’ll be at the fucking bar as this great nation nominates its first fucking female president.
And the first one’s on me, motherfuckers.