You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2020.

"Blarg" reader Betsy! In real life!

…meeting a longtime reader of The Blarg, Betsy, a few weeks ago.

I’ve admittedly been slacking on updates lately, but we’ve been trying to connect for awhile now, and so it was nice to finally be able to meet in person after only communicating online for years.

The internet is a cold beast, but I always welcome and appreciate the real-life connections that can come out of it. Also, Betsy gifted me some whiskeys, which just served as a cherry on top.

Making friends out of e-friends,

-Shady

"The Devil In The White City" by Erik Larson.

Fleabag, but I’m now on to The Devil In The White City by Erik Larson.

Gonna put the lotion in the basket next go around,

-Shady

Back when I was living in Columbus, Ohio my friends and I started a quote wall. Whenever a bit of brilliance (or otherwise) poured out of someone’s mouth, somebody would yell “Quote!” thus nominating it for Quote Board status. The quote then had to be seconded by someone (it almost always was), and then it would be written down to be forever immortalized on the Quote Board.

This is the modern-day equivalent of that classic piece of my past.

QUOTE BOARD:

“If I’m going for a mister I want a peanut.”

– Beth, 2/7/20

The original… not the baby,

-Shady

February 19th, 2020: Katherine Bryja Shady

February 19th, 2020: Justin Robert Shady

February 19th, 2020: Grey Danger Berlin Bryja Shady

February 19th, 2020: West Rebel Wilder Robert Bryja Shady

February 19th, 2020: Heisenberg

Three-hundred and sixty-five days later.

Again, we’re doing something like this.

Ten years worth… and we lost two since this time last year,

-Shady

PS: Here’s what the big picture looks like.

Cost more than my first car. And my second. And my third.

Yep, you read that correctly.

Back then, we needed a printer like this to be able to print out the final pages for Tastes Like Chicken. It printed large-format pages (11×17), which we would paste onto boards, and then deliver to the printers to shoot negatives of.

To be read: this printer was some old-school type of shit.

To finance the printer, we signed up for a monthly payment plan with HP, and paid $110 a month until it was paid off. If you do the math, that means it took us just under four years to pay it off.

I first purchased the printer in Columbus, Ohio (one apartment), then moved it with me to Milwaukee (two more apartments), made a cross-country trek west to Los Angeles (four more apartments), and then made a return cross-country trip back east to Chicago (six months of storage in a basement, and then finally into our home).

Meaning, in the twenty-plus years I owned this printer, it moved with me nine times and traveled a distance of nearly 5,000 miles.

Guess when you think about it that way, I only paid a buck a mile for it, which doesn’t seem that bad.

But here’s the kicker: not only does this thing weigh a goddamn ton, but it’s made up of two parts — a wide drawer base and a much heavier top — which makes it super awkward to move. Also, the last time the printer was even hooked up to a computer was in our first apartment in L.A., which we moved out of in August 2011. Which means I carried this heavy-ass, mostly useless printer around with me for nearly a decade and never even plugged it in once.

Needless to say, KB has been trying to get me to chuck it for years now, but I always came back at her with the same excuse: “But… I paid $5,000 for it!”

I continued to use that excuse up until two weeks ago, when I searched for an electronics recycling drop-off near us, and then loaded it into the back of our car.

As I popped open our trunk, the guy who came out to help me perfectly summed up the printer: “Damn! That’s a big old one!”

My reply: “It is. And I paid $5,000 for it twenty years ago.”

Unimpressed, he reached in, grabbed the printer, and yanked it out. But I had forgotten to tell him about the two separate parts, and so the drawer base fell to the concrete with a crash. Bits of plastic and metal flew everywhere, but he didn’t even bat an eyelash as he bent over and picked up the pieces. As he did, all I could think was, “All that time, money, and mileage… just to end like this.”

He tossed the pieces onto a wheeled cart, pushed it into a garage, and disappeared behind stacks of other completely useless crap that someone paid too much money for. And then, that was it.

Of course, in the end, I got my $5,000 out of that printer. And then some. Every single issue of Tastes Like Chicken — not only the final boards, but also TLC‘s letterhead, invoices, and proof copies — came out of that printer. I owned it for half of my life, and there aren’t a lot of things I can say that about anymore.

And so, yes, while it may seem silly to write an obit-like memorial for a stupid printer, I would just like to point something out to you: I PAID $5,000 FOR IT!

It cost more than my first three cars… combined,

-Shady

Phoebe Waller-Bridge's "Fleabag: The Scriptures."

Haunted, and am now on to Fleabag: The Scriptures by Phoebe Waller-Bridge, which is a collection of the scripts from the show’s two seasons.

Reading the scripts is making me want to rewatch the entire series which, if you know me, is something I never do.

I’m sure it will pass,

-Shady

PS: Special shoutout and thanks to Milan and Dori for the book!

Old Poop!