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Well, here are a few from my past.

First, here I am with my high school girlfriend, Abby-René, at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Illinois. If I had to guess, this photo was probably shot sometime in May 1993, just after we went to prom.

Look at all that hair!

Next up, me, Abby-René, Beth, and my old friend Elden. This one was also shot at Great America, probably in May 1994, also just after prom.

We're just babies, man!

And finally, here I am with Emily, an old college girlfriend. Apparently, I was unable to buy clothes that actually fit me. Everything I’m wearing is horribly baggy, and I have no idea what’s going on down in my crotch area. This one was shot in the summer of 1995 at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio.

No idea what's going on down in my crotch area.

Pretty sure camera phones have forced these into extinction,

-Shady

Bring it, Durst!

Pretty sure I could take him even if he tried to,

-Shady

…this is what the front of it looked like:

The 2016 Shady holiday card! Front-style!
And this is what the back of it looked like:

The 2016 Shady holiday card! Back-style!

Grey was rocking her inner John McClane (and male-pattern baldness)…

Grey McClane!

…while KB fell from Nakatomi Plaza in her Rickman haircut.

Hans GruKBer!

I did my best corpse-in-an-elevator impersonation…

Ho... ho... HO-MY GOD!

…while Beth portrayed a blonde, ballerina-dancing Russian, and Meatshake and Heisenberg served as her feline background muscle.

Beth's cat backup!

On the back, Mr. Fabulous became a giant stuffed bear, and Pip peeked over the backseat while Argyle talked on his huge cellphone.

The 2016 Shady Christmas Card! Back-style!

Obviously, this one took a lot more work than last year’s Krampus card.

We already have our Easter card done,

-Shady

Safe travels, Beth!

…after living together for the past three months.

We’re obviously sad to see her go—especially since she changed a ton of Grey’s diapers while living with us—but we’re excited for her to start her new life in Hawaii. And besides, now we have a reason to visit Hawaii again!

Mahalo, Beth! Or Mele Kalikimaka… or something like that.

Haven’t been back since 2010,

-Shady

Suck it, 2016!

And then we watched Die Hard,

-Shady

I'd like my flask back!

If any year has ever called for a flask, 2016 is the year.

Thanks to Beth for the gift,

-Shady

…for my birthday all the way from San Francisco.

I sock the line.

The Man in Black... socks.
Yeah, buddy!

But then, the very next day, I got these pairs of socks from my good friends Bryan and Alisha in Columbus.

More socks!

And this pair of socks (which may or may not be knee-highs for a woman) from my good friend Sue in Los Angeles.

And more socks!

I’m sensing both a trend and a conspiracy here.

Still, all of the pairs are much appreciated… and desperately needed.

I can take a hint.

Socks it to me,

-Shady

…because, you know, what kid didn’t?

Beth and I would throw them out the windows of our dad’s red Ford Escort—on the sly, of course (or so we thought)—whenever he’d pass by someone walking down the street.

At first, it made him nuts. He’d yell, “Don’t do that! You’re gonna get in trouble!” But one day, for some unknown reason, his opinion of our admittedly childish antics made an abrupt and unexpected 180-degree turn.

We were driving east on Morgan Avenue in Milwaukee and, as we approached the top of a small hill, he turned to Beth and I in the backseat and said, “There are two kids riding bikes coming up. Get ’em.”

Beth and I looked at each other and smiled. He didn’t have to tell us twice. We each chucked a bang snap out the window as we passed. As we drove on we heard one of the kids yell to the other kid, “Hold up! I think I just popped a tire!”

Success.

A couple weeks ago, Beth and my dad spent a night at our place. They were headed to London together the next day, and before their trip they decided to stop at a CVS and stock up on snacks for their long flight.

When my dad walked out of the store he handed me this:

BANG!

SNAP!

I’ll be driving with my windows down this summer, that’s for sure.

39 going on 9,

-Shady

Back when I was living in Columbus, Ohio my friends and I started a quote wall. Whenever a bit of brilliance (or otherwise) poured out of someone’s mouth, somebody would yell “Quote!” thus nominating it for Quote Board status. The quote then had to be seconded by someone (it almost always was), and then it would be written down to be forever immortalized on the Quote Board.

This is the modern day equivalent of that classic piece of my past.

QUOTE BOARD:

“Pube-A Gooding Jr.”

– Beth, talking about Cuba Gooding Jr.’s nude scene in the final episode of The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story, 4/16/16

This episode spawned two quotes,

-Shady

Back when I was living in Columbus, Ohio my friends and I started a quote wall. Whenever a bit of brilliance (or otherwise) poured out of someone’s mouth, somebody would yell “Quote!” thus nominating it for Quote Board status. The quote then had to be seconded by someone (it almost always was), and then it would be written down to be forever immortalized on the Quote Board.

This is the modern day equivalent of that classic piece of my past.

QUOTE BOARD:

“Man, you’re never gonna guess how it ends.”

– Beth, talking about the final episode of The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story, 4/7/16

Honestly didn’t see that end coming… 21 years ago,

-Shady