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Right next to her grandma in the photo album.

Those are tame compared to what’s probably out there somewhere.

Never gonna be able to run for political office,

-Shady

…to write a letter of recommendation for him.

Here’s what I submitted to the six colleges he applied to:

“Letter of Recommendation for Drew Francis Linne”
(or, “Why Drew Francis Linne is Awesome… And Why Your School Needs Him”)

By Justin Shady

Drew Francis Linne is awesome. Your school needs him.

Why? Well, outside of the fact that he’s awesome (see above), Drew is more driven as a teenager than most of the friends I have who are in their thirties. Then again, most of my friends are bums, so there’s that.

Still, Drew’s passion for creativity has been deeply ingrained in him since birth. Of course, I didn’t know him way back then because hanging out with a baby is kind of creepy, but creative people have a way of smelling their own. If you think about that sentence for a second it’s kind of gross; still, it’s true.

Drew constantly sends me new pieces he’s working on, always looking for an honest opinion from a highly educated and trained professional. I don’t know any people like that, so usually I just email him back with something like, “Good job,” or, “You made art!” He emails me so often, in fact, that I’m kind of hoping your college will accept him so he can meet new people and leave me alone.

I could give you the regular “letter of recommendation” rigmarole that you read day in and day out: Drew is a great artist. He has a great eye. He’s talented. He’s blah blah blah.

Instead, I’ll give you the truth: Your college needs Drew so that some day—when he’s a hugely successful alumnus of your school—you can hit him up for donations and scholarship money. If you don’t accept him some other school is gonna be raking in that dough.

Hey, I know how it works because I went to art school!

So think of Drew as an investment. Accept his application today, be swimming in his alumni donations in ten years.

Drew’s awesome… but not nearly as awesome as,

-Justin Shady

He got his first acceptance letter two days later,

-Shady

If you know me (or have ever known me, to be honest), you know that I have a long list of insane stories from my past that I tell regularly at parties and get-togethers.

(If you don’t know me, you know now because I just told you.)

More often than not, these stories are told through a haze of alcohol, my arms flailing wildly around the room as I spout off about something or other. Some of these stories involve my childhood. Others are rooted in my high school and college years. And almost all of them teeter that fine line between “Ridiculous” and “Get-The-Fuck-Out-Of-Here Unbelievable.”

For years now, my friends and family have been telling me to write these stories down. And, for just as many years, I’ve put it off. Until now.

Starting in the next few days, I will begin featuring a set of short stories called “Stories To Tell Before I Forget.” These tales are, well… exactly that: True tales from the Shady canon that will now forever be immortalized here on “The Blarg.”

Let me warn you ahead of time: You will not believe all of these stories, and I won’t blame you one bit for doubting their validity. But if my word means anything to you, dear reader, please believe this: Each and every one of these stories are 100% accurate and true.

Or at least as true as I remember them to be.

So keep an eye out for these stories in the coming days. Each story title will be prefaced with “Stories To Tell Before I Forget,” so you’ll know one when you see one.

It’s a good time to get these out. I hope you’ll enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy telling them.

Best,

-Shady

Old Poop!