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…forwarded me this ad he found on Craigslist; it was posted by a guy who is looking to rent a room in San Francisco.

I wanted to share its genius with the world before it got deleted from Craigslist. Here it is unedited and in its entirety. Enjoy!

Konichiwa, bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I’m a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies like AOL and FORBES FUCKING MAGAZINE. That’s right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. My new office is located in NoPa, so I guess I want something in that area. Honestly, I’m moving there in 3 weeks, so I don’t give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.

A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I’m just like, “Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it’s not mine.” I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I’ll even cook for you. That’s right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I’ll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don’t eat meat? That’s fucking FANTASTIC! I’ll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesday’s with Morrie the other day. It’s a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don’t have to talk to you at all. It’s completely UP TO YOU!

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I’ll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

A lot of people ask me, “Hey, you’re from Alabama. Are you racist?” And, the answer to that question is, no. I’m not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I’m a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That’s the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

I own almost nothing! I’m driving my car from Alabama to California in which I’ll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you’d like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I’m the most considerate person you’ve ever met. I’m offering to buy you shit already!

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I’m taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I’ll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I’d like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I’m ready to give you money.

I’d be that guy’s roommate in a heartbeat,

-Shady

I’m currently selling a wardrobe on Craigslist and have received a ton of emails over the past week. Most people want more details, more dimensions, more pictures.

Except Roland. Or, I should say, ROLAND.

ROLAND is willing to buy the item without ever even seeing it.

I received the following email from ROLAND, who is clearly very interested in my “furnitures.” Never mind the fact that the original email was sent to “johnny_bong@hotmail.com” (not my email address). Never mind the fact that he never actually mentions the word “wardrobe” in the entire email. And never mind the fact that he’s willing to pay me more than what I’m asking for it.

Wait a minute… is this… a SCAM?!?

Nice try, dickhead. Keep fishing.

I hope by posting this that they’ll at least have to change the wording in their poorly-written email.

Enjoy!

-Shady

From: billroland788@gmail.com
Sent: Tue 1/13/09 11:02 AM
To: johnny_bong@hotmail.com

Hello.

How are you doing today? (I was great until I got your dumbass email.) My name is ROLAND, I saw your furniture you posted on Craigslist and I am interested in buying the furniture, just moved into a new apt and I am in need of furnitures. (First, learn how to use a period, ROLAND. Second, “furnitures” is not a word; it’s already plural.)

I want you to consider the item sold to me, so therefore, I want you to ignore all other interested buyers asking for the item and also remove the ad from the posted page on Craigslist. (You’re pretty demanding for a total FUCKING STRANGER!)

I will like to make arrangement regarding the payment, also to let you know it will be a bank cashier’s check, because that is the best and easy way for me to make the payment in which I will include the amount of the item and also for the transporting of the item, in which a local courier will come to your address to get the furniture after you have received the payment, cash it and send the excess funds to the shipper via Western Union to cover the transport cost.

(Do you realize that was ONE SENTENCE? And let me get this straight: You’re going to send me more money than I’m asking for in a cashier’s check. Then, after people who are NOT YOU pick up the “furnitures,” I’m supposed to send the rest of the money via Western Union to a stranger. That way, your shitballs cashier’s check can bounce, and then not only am I out of my “furnitures,” but I also just paid you assholes to steal it from me. That’s how this works, right, ROLAND?)

What you will need to do once you receive the check is cash it at your bank or a cashing outlet around you and deduct the your amount and have the of the fund sent to my local courier agent via Western Union or Money Gram. (You know, if you’re gonna try and fuck someone the LEAST you could do is LEARN ENGLISH!)

I want you to get back to me with the information as follows to prepare payment and send it out to you as soon as possible, because I don’t want to delay the purchase. (To be read: “Please help me expedite your ass-raping.”)

(1) Full Name
(2) Mailing Address and please no P.O. Box
(3) Telephone Number
(4) Final asking price for the furniture

I will also make everything as easy as possible so you won’t have any problem cashing the check or any delays as it may arise, I believe you understand me clearly; (Holy shit, a semicolon!) I will also offer you $20 for keeping the item for me until the shipper comes for pickup.

I believe you understand me clearly. (You already said that.) Thanks for taking the time to read the mail, and will be looking forward to your swift response as soon as possible. Thanks and have a wonderful day.

– ROLAND

(Nice try, pal. Good luck finding furnitures for your apt. Douche.)

Old Poop!