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I know people have been waiting in breathless anticipation for this post, so let’s get right to it!

Here are all of the entries (listed in no particular order) for “The M. Night Shyamalan Poetry Contest!”

I’m going to post all of the entries first, and announce the winner of the contest at the end. Some people entered numerous times, so you’ll see a few names popping up two or three times.


Untitled Haiku
By Ralph Apel

M. Night Shyamalan
Name’s too long for this haiku
“The Village” was shit


Untitled Poem
By Ralph Apel

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Fuck off, M. Night
Your worthlessness doesn’t deserve the time it took me to write this poem about you.
I did like “Unbreakable,” however.


Untitled Haiku #1
By Frank Cvetkovic

Marky Mark leads his
Funky Bunch across the state.
Trees try to kill us.


Untitled Haiku #2
By
Frank Cvetkovic

Bruce Willis is dead.
There! Now you don’t have to spend
Five bucks to rent it.


Untitled Haiku #3
By
Frank Cvetkovic

I don’t think I’ll go
See “Lady in the Water.”
What else is playing?


Untitled Poem
By Mandy Tuthill

Shyamalan, a Ding Dong

If only horror writers
Could capture in words
The dread of a nation
Anti-anticipating your next release.

I see dead careers.
Why isn’t yours one of them yet?

Boo.

Boo.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.


Untitled Poem
By James Decker

I kinda like “Signs”
the one where faithless Mel whines
I liked the ones with Bruce
but your others smell of deuce
Especially “Lady in the Water”
the one with Ron Howard’s daughter


i am the sign of the times
By Susanne Iles

i am so pretty am i
wanted to be an actor i am
in my own films the lead am i
a one-trick pony not me i am

an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a story that repeats
‘til the twist (which repeats) film after film after i
am an echo of other’s writings not plagerist not i
am my own happening


Untitled Poem
By Lisa

Regurgitated bile is vile
M. Night movies are worse
My life hours repeatedly stolen
And now the minute spent on this verse
I am ashamed


Untitled Poem
By Voltaire

This is in defense of Shyamalan,
Please do your best to follow along,
You may think I’m a sap,
And that his work is all crap,
But I’ll explain why you’re so wrong.

“The Sixth Sense” helped Night burst on the scene,
It was unlike anything we’d seen,
But in every movie since,
We’ve expected the twist,
And it’s made his reviewers obscene.

I won’t say Shyamalan is always great,
“The Happening” makes that an impossible position to take,
But just ‘cuz he’s made some crap,
Doesn’t mean he’s all bad,
So I think everyone should give him a break.


And the winner is… Voltaire!

Why? Well, for two reasons. One, Voltaire is one of the few people who entered who I don’t personally know! And two, because they’re honestly a fan of Shyamalan’s work and will appreciate the copy of “Signs.”

I think the rest of us would have probably used it for a coaster. Or worse. Heh.

Thanks to everyone who entered, and be sure to keep an eye out on “The Blarg” for more contests!

Ain’t no Robert Frost,

-Shady

…that all entries for “The M. Night Shyamalan Poetry Contest” are due tomorrow (by midnight)!

Offer not valid in Barbados,

-Shady

If you’re anything like me, you think M. Night Shyamalan sucks.

In my opinion, he hasn’t made anything even mildly interesting since “The Sixth Sense,” yet he keeps churning out new crap every couple years.

Kathy snagged a free copy of “Signs” from work last week because she had never seen it. After subtly offering up my critique of the movie (to be read: “It’s one of the crappiest crap craps ever crapped out of Hollywood!”), we made some dinner and sat down together to watch it.

After all, I had only seen it once before, way back in 2002 when it first came out. And, who knows, maybe it gets better over time, like an expensive bottle of wine.

And so, I sat… I watched… AND I WAS RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!

It’s still the crappiest crap craps ever crapped out of Hollywood. And now Kathy agrees.

But I’ve decided to turn something awful into something wonderful with this, The M. Night Shyamalan Poetry Contest!

The rules are simple:

1. Write a poem about M. Night Shyamalan in 100 words or less.

2. To go along with the theme of this contest, the crappier your poem is, the better.

3. Email your crappy poem to me at justin@tlchicken.com.

4. Deadline for contest entry is this Friday, December 4th.

One winner will win these crappy prizes:

1. DVD copy of the crappiest crap craps ever crapped out of Hollywood: “Signs”

2. The original crappy artwork of my crap drawing of Sloth and Bert for this month’s “Sketchbook” assignment:

Sketchbook: "Sloth" by Justin Shady

3. A crappy techno CD that I got for review that is total crap.

So… get to it!

I’ll leave you with my own (excluded) entry:

“If M. Night Shyamalan Wrote a Haiku”
By Justin Shady

Establishing shot
Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap
Dumb surprise ending

See how easy it is?!?

Bruce Willis is dead,

-Shady

PS: All entries will be posted on “The Blarg.”

Old Poop!