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MURRAY!

I know it might seem like I sit at home all day long, drinking beer and updating The Blarg, but the truth is I spend much of my day writing.

Lately, most of my writing has been on long-form projects. Because of this, I sometimes write a short (most times comedic, other times not so much) to break up the monotony of those longer projects. But while these shorts are fun to write as an exercise, nobody ever really gets to read them.

To remedy this, I’ve decided to share them here. I’m doing this for two reasons:

1. I like to share! That, and it’s better than having them sit on my computer.

2. It’s my hope that someone might be inspired to actually do something creative with them. Want to film one as a short? Awesome. Interested in animating one? Go for it. Feel like performing one live onstage? I dare you. All I ask is that you give me credit where it’s due, and (if possible) send me a copy of the final product.

The twenty-sixth of Shady’s Shorts is called “You Are (Not) The Father.”

Download it by clicking below.

DOWNLOAD “YOU ARE (NOT) THE FATHER”

Number twenty-five,

-Shady

“You Are (Not) The Father” is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License. Created by Justin Shady, ©2015.

The shorter one also waited around in the bathroom while his friend finished taking a shit. Because, you know... THAT'S not creepy.

Here are three easy steps to do just that:

1. Own a Star Wars character backpack.

2. Own a Darth Vader helmet with Mickey Mouse ears.

3. Walk around Epcot all day long wearing the above two items with your buddy who also is walking around Epcot wearing the very same thing.

The force is… something or other with these two,

-Shady

Darth's vacation begins.

Join him on the dark side… and by “dark side” I mean “Hawaii,”

-Shady

…right here:

Riding it tomorrow,

-Shady

…has a younger sister named Cody.

Years ago, I shot her high school senior photos. Today, she appeared as Princess Leia in this short from the New York City-based comedy troupe Improv Everywhere.

Here are a couple of shots of Cody from the mission.

Learn more about this mission from Improv Everywhere here.

All growns up,

-Shady

You've got to be fucking kidding me...

I have to admit two things to you before I go off on this rant:

1.) I have yet to see “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra,” so it’s possible (though highly unlikely) that I’ll have to apologize for this post at a later date… if I ever see it… which I probably won’t.

2.) I love G.I. Joe. Or, more accurately, I used to love G.I. Joe. When I was a kid, G.I. Joe was my top pick when it came to cartoons and toys. I loved it so much that when I was ten years old I remember thinking, “When I get my first car, I’m going to get ‘GI JOE’ on a personalized license plate.” Because, you know, that would have gotten me laid. He-Man was a little too fantasy for me, and Transformers were just too goddamn expensive. G.I. Joe action figures, however, were only $3 each (at their most expensive), so over time I ended up collecting more than a hundred Joes and Cobras. Of course, I sold all of them for next to nothing in the late eighties, but whatever. I got an entire childhood out of those action figures, so I can’t complain.

Now, if you’ll excuse me… ahem: So Paramount Studios isn’t showing early screenings to the press for “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.” Wow. Big fucking shock there.

Want an even bigger shock? Harry Knowles, the bearded face of Ain’t It Cool News, dug it. Of course, Knowles loves everything (especially if it’s covered in nacho cheese) because Hollywood just loves putting his wiener in its mouth.

Ugh. I just threw up all over my keyboard. Give me a minute.

Okay, back.

Fact is, I don’t need to see this movie to know that it’s utter dog shit, and the fact that Knowles likes it just proves my point.

“But, Shady,” you might try to reason with me, “you can’t say something like that without having seen it!” And to that I say this: “Did you have to see ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’ to know it was cinematic AIDS, motherfucker?” No. You knew from the first second of the first trailer that it was going to be shit.

With that being said, I’ll admit that Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow look pretty spot-on. And Baroness, eh… it’s hard to fuck up Baroness.

But what the fuck happened with every other character?!?

So here are a few questions I have for Paramount, just based off what I’ve seen so far of this impending train wreck:

1. Why does Hawk look like my fucking dad at a French gay pride parade?

2. Where the fuck is Destro’s metal mask? And why is he white? Every kid knows Destro is black under that helmet, just like Darth Vader. And Rowlf from the Muppets.

3. Where’s Cobra Commander’s mask? Hell, where the fuck is Cobra Commander?!? I know the Scientist (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) becomes him, but a Cobra Commander by any other name and without a metal mask or a cloth hood just doesn’t cut it.

4. How much weight did Will Arnett have to gain to play fat Zartan (also known as Fartan)?

5. And lastly, was raping the childhoods of millions of kids from the eighties something you set out to do, or did it just happen organically along the way?

You know what the worst part of all of this is? This diarrhea will go on to make $300 million, just like the ocular rape that was “Transformers 2: Electric Jigaboo.”

Fuck, I wish I had my toys back. At least those were pure!

Well, all of them except William “The Refrigerator” Perry. That figure was just creepy.

Knowing is half the battle… and apparently destroying memories is the other half,

-Shady

Old Poop!