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Bigfoot is MORE qualified.

Wouldn’t be a stretch with this administration,

-Shady

Thanks, Dad!

Check your butthole… check it often,

-Shady

The man, World War II vet Arnold Abbott, is a homeless advocate who dishes out food numerous times a week in public spaces to those in need.

A true felon, obviously.

Anyway, Abbott’s insane arrest was not only justified, but also doubled down on by Fort Lauderdale Mayor John P. “Jack” Seiler, who defended the arrest by saying, “the experts have all agreed, if you’re gonna simply feed ‘em outdoors, to get ‘em from breakfast, to lunch, to dinner, you’re enabling that cycle of homelessness.”

Because of this, I sent Mayor Seiler an email calling him a dirtbag. Literally.

He replied.

I replied.

And he replied again.

Here it is in all its glory. Read from the bottom up.

Mayor John P. "Jack" Seiler = Dirtbag

If you feel like sending this dirtbag an email of your own, click here.

Fuck Mayor Seiler and Fort Lauderdale,

-Shady

I got the following email today from my good friend Mandy Cook:

Hi all,

My friend Meagan Patrick lives in Denver, Colorado. The week before Halloween she had what she describes as an “episode” while at work. She was rushed to the hospital and immediately underwent brain surgery. She was then diagnosed with stage 3 astrocytoma. This type of brain cancer is the same that Senator Ted Kennedy suffered from. Astrocytoma never goes away; she will have to fight it as long as she lives.

Meagan has no health insurance and no transportation (after all, she’s an artist). The website (linked below) was developed by her partner. Please take a moment to learn more about Meagan and donate if possible, and be sure to check back often as it will document Meagan’s condition and progress.

Website: Save Meagan Patrick

Meagan is an awesome gal. Please help in whatever way you can. Prayers are much needed.

Love,

Mandy

Please spread the word and help if you’re able.

-Shady

…I fell asleep in bed with my laptop on my chest.

Apparently, a few hours later, I woke up and wrote Kathy this email:

On Wed, Nov 3, 2010 at 3:09 AM, justin@tlchicken.com wrote:

I need advice on this.

They sent me a catalgog for the new place because they couldn’t process my stories.

And, yeah, I could fall down and do shome shit, but it is apparent.

I have no clue what any of that means.

Catalgoging my dreams,

-Shady

…that had this as its subject line: “Gangbanging: The challenge is how to do it without dying.”

Heh.

If you’re dying you’re doing it wrong,

-Shady

…right here:

Morons,

Stop talking about Tiger Woods. This isn’t news.

I think it’s hilarious that you spend most of your time talking about whether or not the media should be talking about it! Hypocrites!

Knock it off and move on to any other real news (i.e. two ongoing wars, a terrible economy, health care reform, etc.).

You’re no better than TMZ. Seriously.

Pitiful.

Sincerely,

-Shady

…right here:

Last night, Dori and I saw the new Twilight movie, “New Moon.”

I’d only seen the first half-hour of the first one, because Dori, who read the book, rented it. But I had to leave when one of the vampires started twinkling in the sunlight. No joke. He twinkled… like the bedazzled little turd-herder he is.

So, outside of the sparkling, I was pretty much out of the loop as to what actually happens in these films, beyond the overwhelming amount of teenagers being pretty put out by, well, everything. (There’s also a record amount of “like” and “um” in the dialogue. Pretty sure the script is just filled with those words, and no others. Maybe the screenwriter for this should hang out with the screenwriter from “Juno.” Then they can make teenagers’ heads explode.) Turns out you don’t really NEED to know what happens in the first film, because the second one is so awful, you don’t care three minutes in. Sure, it made $150 million in its first weekend or something like that, but so did Sarah Palin’s book thanks to that Darth Vader of daytime television, Oprah.

Save for some pretty great special effects when some werewolves fight– yes, the best part of a VAMPIRE film is when NON-VAMPIRES do something– this movie was bad… to a point where it could almost be one of those films we’d rent back in the day and make fun of the entire time.

I’ll stop ripping on it here, so as not to give anything away in case you are a huge fan and don’t care what my heartless, soul-less ass thinks about this supernatural love story. I’ll instead leave you with my favorite piece of dialogue. To set the scene, they’re in the woods (big shock), and something emotionally riveting is about to happen. Twinkle-pants is telling the drippy female lead he and his vampire family have to leave town. I can’t remember exactly because I was trying to count my teeth at this point… by running my tongue over each individual one slowly and carefully. But then this happens. Say it out loud for maximum effect:

Bella: Are you telling me you don’t want me to come?

Edward: (after about two minutes of them just looking at each other, stifling tears… or seizures) I don’t want you to come.

I almost passed out trying not to laugh at this. Largely because these kids would have WAY less problems if they WOULD come. But instead of getting drunk and hand-jobbing each other, like good American teens should be doing at this age, they’re worried about dumb shit, like sunlight and LiveJournal.

Oh– AND, my former arch-nemesis is in this. (Not Tom Hanks. The most recent one.)

Just thought I’d share… in case you can see this with people who will drink and laugh at it with you.

Dwellephant

Better than any post I’ve ever written,

-Shady

Check out this email I just got!

(Note: I’ve left all the horrible punctuation and misspellings exactly as they appear in the email… even though it makes me fucking cringe not to correct it.)

To: undisclosed recipients:
From: Mauren Colman [vivian.03goodluck@yahoo.com]
Sent: Wed 9/9/2009 2:20 PM
Subject: Nice to meet you

Hello

How are you? i hope all is well with you,
i hope you may not know me, and i don’t know who you are,
My Name is Miss Mauren Colman, i am just
broswing now i just saw your Email it seams like some thing touches me
all over my body, i started having some feelings in me which i have
never experience in me before, so i became interested in you, l will
also like to know you the more, and l want you to send an email.
so l can give you my picture for you to know whom l am..

I believe we can move from here!
I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.

(Remeber the distance or colour does not matter but love matters alot in life)
miss Mauren

So… let me get this straight: My email address touched you all over your body, so you decided to email an entire list of undisclosed recipients about it. Is that about right?

Makes sense. I mean, my email address is fucking hot. Just look at how sexy it is: justin@tlchicken.com

Oh… my God in sky, I too am gotten touched all over my body areas, and starting to be having feelings in some of me, to never have experience before ever either. Gorbachev!

Speaking your language,

-Shady

Old Poop!