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Still totally feel that way.

…I wrote for the current issue of Chicago (and recently teased here) is finally online, so check it out here.

Better late than never,


Now featuring me!

…for the newest issue of Chicago. One is about fighting team mascots, and the other is about spending a date night at Ikea.

The short mascot piece can be read here, but the Ikea article is only in print, so pick up your copy today.

I’m the go-to guy for all things Ikea and mascots,


I feel so horribly guilty.

…to read a short sidebar I wrote for them called Bluestown vs. Brewtown.

And yes, I feel horribly guilty about writing this one. But, hey, at least I got to bag on that human turd Sheriff David Clarke.

You can also read it here. It’s at the bottom of the article.

Gonna get some shit from my family for this one,


"Chicago" mag featuring both Shadys! Heisenberg digs it!

…to read a short piece I wrote for them called Just Some Casual Suggestions for New Tourist Attractions.

Or you can read it here.

Short and funny is what I excel at… and how I make love,


May 2017 issue of

…partly because I wrote two short pieces in it—one on Donald Trump’s Tweets, another on ridiculous job listings—but also because it’s damn pretty.

You can also check them out here and here.

These two articles didn’t generate nearly as much hatred as this one,


…for their “Music for Trailers” section.

You can read the first one here and the second one here.

Working hard for the money,


…who I worked with on “The Roberts,” is looking for a few interesting commission and freelance gigs. Erik’s creative juices are flowing (gross) and he wants to utilize them on an original piece of artwork for you (also gross)!

Besides “The Roberts,” Erik’s work was published in last year’s “The Dude Abides: The Gospel According to the Coen Brothers” by Cathleen Falsani.

Erik does it all, from pen and ink to full-color paintings. Need proof? Check it!

So if you’re looking for some pretty new artwork for your bare walls be sure to hit Erik up! Check out his website and blog to see more work.

Creativity for hire,


…way back in 2005.

I had completely forgotten about it until I just came across the file on an old computer.

Basically, the piece was a year in review that was done up in a “Where’s Waldo?” type of style. But instead of Waldo, readers were searching for Natalee Holloway, the high school student who disappeared while in Aruba earlier that year.

I was in charge of coming up with all of the “events” that were to be included in the illustration; essentially, this was just a rundown of all the major news stories of 2005. I got the easy end of the deal.

My good friend Jeremy R. Scott, who illustrated “The Lava is a Floor!”, was in charge of the actual illustration which, well… is fucking insane. I think it took him about a billion hours to get it completed. And, funny thing is, I don’t even remember if it ever actually ran in “Cracked.”

We got paid, though. That’s all I give a shit about.

Anyway, I figured I’d post this long-lost freelance gig from 2005 because I honestly don’t think it exists anywhere else, and it’d be a shame for Jeremy to put that amount of time into it and never have it see the light of… the Internet.

Click on the image to view a full version of this monsterpiece:

Cracked's 2005 Year in Review

Still hustling,


…for “Variety” right here.

Freelancing for the Man,


…is a fantastic painter. He also happens to be making a push to drum up some new work, including both freelance and commissions.

He’s great at landscapes and plein air work:

Carl Bork plein air painting

Carl Bork landscape painting

And equally as awesome at portraiture, including these two pieces of his wife Karen Watkins and our mutual friend Marla Campbell, respectively:

Carl Bork portrait painting

Carl Bork figure painting

Here’s a self-portrait he did looking all Abraham Lincoln-y:

Carl Bork self-portrait painting

He even did a portrait of yours truly a few years back:

Carl Bork portrait painting

So instead of buying some mass-produced wall garbage from Target and hanging it in your dining room, contact Carl through his website here and see about getting yourself some real one-of-a-kind artwork.

I want Carl to paint me as Nixon,


Old Poop!