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I offend myself.

I mean, seriously, when KB and I do the same exact workout she finishes with a mild glisten on her forehead. Meanwhile, I emerge looking like a yak wearing a snowsuit that just spent nine hours doing Bikram Yoga in a sauna.

I’m hideous,


…uses the weight machines inappropriately.

And I don’t mean inappropriate in a “he uses the machines improperly” kind of way either. (Of course, that’s true as well, but that’s not the disturbing part.) No, I mean inappropriate in a “the machines should be given a rape kit after he’s done using them” kind of way.

It’s really gross. You should see the looks on people’s faces as they walk past him. It’s priceless.

He humps the air,


Old Poop!