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Inception (Warner Bros.)

1. Writer/director Christopher Nolan gets back to his “Memento” roots with a story that is so layered and complex it leaves audiences thinking, “Whoa… wait… what?” This is a welcomed change from Hollywood, especially if you find yourself getting frustrated with watered-down movies that only appeal to the lowest common denominator.

2. It’s visually stunning/ridiculous. The earth folds like a taco! They hop around in space like Buzz Aldrin! They mess with interiors like M.C. Escher… only cool! I’m typically not impressed with visuals because, let’s admit it, they can do anything nowadays. But even with that being said, it’s still pretty goddamn amazing.

3. Great supporting cast. Sure, Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page are good as the film’s leads, but the real stars are the actors portraying the secondary characters: Joseph Gordon-Levitt; Tom Hardy; Ken Watanabe; and Cillian Murphy. Also, Marion Cotillard offers a performance that’s unlike anything she’s done before.

4. If the major film studios are going to learn anything from the success of “Inception” it should be this: END MORE MOVIES LIKE THIS.

5. It will probably get a handful of Oscar nods (writer, director, and possibly a couple of supporting role nominations) but it will more than likely walk away only with a few technical wins, which it more than deserves. And I know my good friend Ralph hates Hans Zimmer, but his score was pretty fantastic; it will definitely get him at least a nomination if not a win. Sorry, Ralph.

Mind-fucked,

-Shady

You've got to be fucking kidding me...

I have to admit two things to you before I go off on this rant:

1.) I have yet to see “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra,” so it’s possible (though highly unlikely) that I’ll have to apologize for this post at a later date… if I ever see it… which I probably won’t.

2.) I love G.I. Joe. Or, more accurately, I used to love G.I. Joe. When I was a kid, G.I. Joe was my top pick when it came to cartoons and toys. I loved it so much that when I was ten years old I remember thinking, “When I get my first car, I’m going to get ‘GI JOE’ on a personalized license plate.” Because, you know, that would have gotten me laid. He-Man was a little too fantasy for me, and Transformers were just too goddamn expensive. G.I. Joe action figures, however, were only $3 each (at their most expensive), so over time I ended up collecting more than a hundred Joes and Cobras. Of course, I sold all of them for next to nothing in the late eighties, but whatever. I got an entire childhood out of those action figures, so I can’t complain.

Now, if you’ll excuse me… ahem: So Paramount Studios isn’t showing early screenings to the press for “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.” Wow. Big fucking shock there.

Want an even bigger shock? Harry Knowles, the bearded face of Ain’t It Cool News, dug it. Of course, Knowles loves everything (especially if it’s covered in nacho cheese) because Hollywood just loves putting his wiener in its mouth.

Ugh. I just threw up all over my keyboard. Give me a minute.

Okay, back.

Fact is, I don’t need to see this movie to know that it’s utter dog shit, and the fact that Knowles likes it just proves my point.

“But, Shady,” you might try to reason with me, “you can’t say something like that without having seen it!” And to that I say this: “Did you have to see ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’ to know it was cinematic AIDS, motherfucker?” No. You knew from the first second of the first trailer that it was going to be shit.

With that being said, I’ll admit that Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow look pretty spot-on. And Baroness, eh… it’s hard to fuck up Baroness.

But what the fuck happened with every other character?!?

So here are a few questions I have for Paramount, just based off what I’ve seen so far of this impending train wreck:

1. Why does Hawk look like my fucking dad at a French gay pride parade?

2. Where the fuck is Destro’s metal mask? And why is he white? Every kid knows Destro is black under that helmet, just like Darth Vader. And Rowlf from the Muppets.

3. Where’s Cobra Commander’s mask? Hell, where the fuck is Cobra Commander?!? I know the Scientist (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) becomes him, but a Cobra Commander by any other name and without a metal mask or a cloth hood just doesn’t cut it.

4. How much weight did Will Arnett have to gain to play fat Zartan (also known as Fartan)?

5. And lastly, was raping the childhoods of millions of kids from the eighties something you set out to do, or did it just happen organically along the way?

You know what the worst part of all of this is? This diarrhea will go on to make $300 million, just like the ocular rape that was “Transformers 2: Electric Jigaboo.”

Fuck, I wish I had my toys back. At least those were pure!

Well, all of them except William “The Refrigerator” Perry. That figure was just creepy.

Knowing is half the battle… and apparently destroying memories is the other half,

-Shady

Old Poop!