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Anybody want a peanut?

…for this Myspace article! Dig it!

Ain’t no They Live,

-Shady

If I had a DVR I'd set it.

What a beard,

-Shady

Back when I was living in Columbus, Ohio my friends and I started a quote wall. Whenever a bit of brilliance (or otherwise) poured out of someone’s mouth, somebody would yell “Quote!” thus nominating it for Quote Board status. The quote then had to be seconded by someone (it almost always was), and then it would be written down to be forever immortalized on the Quote Board.

This is the modern day equivalent of that classic piece of my past.

QUOTE BOARD:

“They should put Kevin Smith down after that walrus movie.”

– Erick, 4/12/15

Abso-fucking-lutely,

-Shady

Last week, KB and I had an opportunity to see filmmaker Mark Wexler’s new documentary “How to Live Forever.” This week (or as soon as possible), you should do the same. Check out the trailer:

Despite the film’s (and humanity’s) obsession with death, “How to Live Forever” is more about life and how we as humans choose to live it. Going into the film, KB was nervous the documentary might come across as preachy or bursting with an agenda. The film does neither of these things, instead choosing to show many different people from numerous walks of life, each sharing their own philosophies on how to get the most out of whatever amount of years they’re given. For some, their secret is exercising every day and avoiding red meat; for others, it’s smoking as much as possible and regularly enjoying a pint. And remarkably, even though each side contradicts the other, the film manages to make both views seem right.

Sparked by the death of his mother, Wexler spent three years traveling the world and interviewing people about their thoughts on achieving two things most humans hope for: to live as long as possible and get the most out of our time here. From senior celebrities (Ray Bradbury and Phyllis Diller) to members of the science community (biogerontologist Aubrey de Grey and “Guru Giggler” Dr. Madan Kataria) to everyday people (the citizens of Okinawa, Japan and “LA Weekly” food critic Jonathan Gold), “How to Live Forever” is filled with many different theories on how to cheat (or at least prolong) death. And of course, the ones filled with booze, sex and laughter come across as the most appealing. The ones filled with daily exercise and puréed vegetable drinks? Not so much.

But that’s exactly what’s great about the documentary, that it doesn’t kowtow to any one view or answer. Like life itself, the philosophy of “whatever works for you is fine by me” is the overall message of “How to Live Forever.” And isn’t that just as it should be? Because, in the end, how each of us inevitably meet our maker is far less important than how we lived our lives up until that one fateful moment.

Learn how to live forever here, then head out to your local theater and learn how others have chosen to do it as well.

I wanna be Buster,

-Shady

Seriously!

So genius I’m jealous,

-Shady

…right here:

Last night, Dori and I saw the new Twilight movie, “New Moon.”

I’d only seen the first half-hour of the first one, because Dori, who read the book, rented it. But I had to leave when one of the vampires started twinkling in the sunlight. No joke. He twinkled… like the bedazzled little turd-herder he is.

So, outside of the sparkling, I was pretty much out of the loop as to what actually happens in these films, beyond the overwhelming amount of teenagers being pretty put out by, well, everything. (There’s also a record amount of “like” and “um” in the dialogue. Pretty sure the script is just filled with those words, and no others. Maybe the screenwriter for this should hang out with the screenwriter from “Juno.” Then they can make teenagers’ heads explode.) Turns out you don’t really NEED to know what happens in the first film, because the second one is so awful, you don’t care three minutes in. Sure, it made $150 million in its first weekend or something like that, but so did Sarah Palin’s book thanks to that Darth Vader of daytime television, Oprah.

Save for some pretty great special effects when some werewolves fight– yes, the best part of a VAMPIRE film is when NON-VAMPIRES do something– this movie was bad… to a point where it could almost be one of those films we’d rent back in the day and make fun of the entire time.

I’ll stop ripping on it here, so as not to give anything away in case you are a huge fan and don’t care what my heartless, soul-less ass thinks about this supernatural love story. I’ll instead leave you with my favorite piece of dialogue. To set the scene, they’re in the woods (big shock), and something emotionally riveting is about to happen. Twinkle-pants is telling the drippy female lead he and his vampire family have to leave town. I can’t remember exactly because I was trying to count my teeth at this point… by running my tongue over each individual one slowly and carefully. But then this happens. Say it out loud for maximum effect:

Bella: Are you telling me you don’t want me to come?

Edward: (after about two minutes of them just looking at each other, stifling tears… or seizures) I don’t want you to come.

I almost passed out trying not to laugh at this. Largely because these kids would have WAY less problems if they WOULD come. But instead of getting drunk and hand-jobbing each other, like good American teens should be doing at this age, they’re worried about dumb shit, like sunlight and LiveJournal.

Oh– AND, my former arch-nemesis is in this. (Not Tom Hanks. The most recent one.)

Just thought I’d share… in case you can see this with people who will drink and laugh at it with you.

Dwellephant

Better than any post I’ve ever written,

-Shady

…right here:

Butter My Butt and Call Me a Biscuit: And Other Country Sayings, Say-Sos, Hoots and Hollers by Allan Zullo and Gene Cheek (Andrews McMeel Publishing)
This pocket-sized collection of more than 200 quaint country colloquialisms is… well, exactly that. If that sounds like something you want to add to your coffee table and/or toilet tank, by all means. But to me, this extremely quick read feels more like a Jeff Foxworthy “You might be a redneck if…” joke than it does words of wisdom. If you feel the need to add Southern-fried one-liners like “I feel finer than a frog’s hair split four ways and sanded twice” to your library, this book is screaming your name. Unfortunately, all I see is a thin gimmick stretched out over 200 pages.

“Must Read After My Death” (Gigantic Pictures)
In the 1960s, Allis and Charley were living what appeared to be a charmed, all-American lifestyle with their four children in the suburbs of Hartford, Connecticut. Charley’s job took him to Australia four months out of every year, and the family decided to stay in touch with each other through Dictaphone audio recordings. As years passed, they continued using the Dictaphone to document their lives together. Unfortunately, Charley’s flagrant infidelity had cracked the family’s very foundation and, after seeing numerous psychologists and psychiatrists, their lives soon began to spiral out of control. Amazingly, they documented the destruction and devastation along the way. In 2001, Allis passed away leaving a garden shed filled with photographs, journals, home movies, and all of the Dictaphone recordings. Included with the family archive was a simple request from Allis: “Must read after my death.” Allis’ grandson, director Morgan Dews, did just that, and has edited all of the footage, photos and audio files down into this highly disturbing documentary about the rarely seen dark side of middle class America. What’s most impressive about the film is that it is entirely comprised of those found elements. There are no follow-up interviews, no background narrations… nothing; just the sounds and images of a family from four decades ago. Haunting and revealing, “Must Read After My Death” shines a spotlight on all of the dirty little secrets most families hope to keep hidden. Dews, on the other hand, has decided to broadcast it.

The book isn’t always better than the movie,

-Shady

Precious (Lee Daniels Entertainment)

"Precious"

1. The synopsis: A morbidly obese teenager from Harlem is pregnant with her second child. (Both of her children were fathered by her own father, the first of which was born with Down’s syndrome.) She’s poor, illiterate, and constantly on the receiving end of a terribly abusive relationship with her mother. And it only gets worse from there. To be read: This is not a date movie!

2. There’s a lot of chatter about the performances of Mariah Carey and Lenny Kravitz, culminating in speculation that they might even get an Oscar nod for them. While their performances were good (Carey as a social worker, Kravitz as a nurse), there is nothing about them that stands out as being anything but. The Oscar whisper exists not because the performances are amazing, but because the people who brought these characters to life aren’t actors. If the roles had been filled by actors, the point would be moot.

3. The brutality of the film is juxtaposed with elements of fantasy, similar to those in “Amelie”: colorful dream sequences, photographs coming to life, etc. Used as moments of escapism, these scenes actually made the viciousness of the film appear worse, mostly because we’re given a different reality to compare it to. It was exceptionally effective.

4. In addition to the production Oscar nominations that “Precious” will receive (and well deserves), I predict three acting nominations for Gabourey Sidibe (lead), Paula Patton and Mo’Nique (both supporting). And, unless an amazingly stellar performance hits screens in the next few weeks, Mo’Nique will win an Oscar for her role as Precious’ abusive and mentally deranged mother, and will have earned every ounce of that statue. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.

5. One of my top-five films of the year, and different from anything else on the list. Look for more from director Lee Daniels and writer Geoffrey Fletcher (who adapted the screenplay from author Sapphire’s book, Push) in the very near future, because Hollywood is about to go completely bat-shit for the both of them.

Check out the trailer here:

Fluorescent beige,

-Shady

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Old Poop!