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"Fucking Awesome Banana Bread" by Dima

He doesn’t even know it,


…the 1927 edition of the book Great Poems of the English Language.

Handwritten inside the book was this:

For Valli

The Williamson coil stranger than air
gives off truly a holy light
like honey bleeding from coal.

Under this blue folding darkness
is our blanket of black
small light ideas and animals
are hailed to silence and glow
their heads next to mine in warmth.

– Joseph E. Zimmelman, L.A., 1968/2/29

I’m not sure who Valli or Joseph E. Zimmelman were but I thought I’d share.

1968 was a leap year,


I know people have been waiting in breathless anticipation for this post, so let’s get right to it!

Here are all of the entries (listed in no particular order) for “The M. Night Shyamalan Poetry Contest!”

I’m going to post all of the entries first, and announce the winner of the contest at the end. Some people entered numerous times, so you’ll see a few names popping up two or three times.

Untitled Haiku
By Ralph Apel

M. Night Shyamalan
Name’s too long for this haiku
“The Village” was shit

Untitled Poem
By Ralph Apel

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Fuck off, M. Night
Your worthlessness doesn’t deserve the time it took me to write this poem about you.
I did like “Unbreakable,” however.

Untitled Haiku #1
By Frank Cvetkovic

Marky Mark leads his
Funky Bunch across the state.
Trees try to kill us.

Untitled Haiku #2
Frank Cvetkovic

Bruce Willis is dead.
There! Now you don’t have to spend
Five bucks to rent it.

Untitled Haiku #3
Frank Cvetkovic

I don’t think I’ll go
See “Lady in the Water.”
What else is playing?

Untitled Poem
By Mandy Tuthill

Shyamalan, a Ding Dong

If only horror writers
Could capture in words
The dread of a nation
Anti-anticipating your next release.

I see dead careers.
Why isn’t yours one of them yet?




Untitled Poem
By James Decker

I kinda like “Signs”
the one where faithless Mel whines
I liked the ones with Bruce
but your others smell of deuce
Especially “Lady in the Water”
the one with Ron Howard’s daughter

i am the sign of the times
By Susanne Iles

i am so pretty am i
wanted to be an actor i am
in my own films the lead am i
a one-trick pony not me i am

an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a story that repeats
‘til the twist (which repeats) film after film after i
am an echo of other’s writings not plagerist not i
am my own happening

Untitled Poem
By Lisa

Regurgitated bile is vile
M. Night movies are worse
My life hours repeatedly stolen
And now the minute spent on this verse
I am ashamed

Untitled Poem
By Voltaire

This is in defense of Shyamalan,
Please do your best to follow along,
You may think I’m a sap,
And that his work is all crap,
But I’ll explain why you’re so wrong.

“The Sixth Sense” helped Night burst on the scene,
It was unlike anything we’d seen,
But in every movie since,
We’ve expected the twist,
And it’s made his reviewers obscene.

I won’t say Shyamalan is always great,
“The Happening” makes that an impossible position to take,
But just ‘cuz he’s made some crap,
Doesn’t mean he’s all bad,
So I think everyone should give him a break.

And the winner is… Voltaire!

Why? Well, for two reasons. One, Voltaire is one of the few people who entered who I don’t personally know! And two, because they’re honestly a fan of Shyamalan’s work and will appreciate the copy of “Signs.”

I think the rest of us would have probably used it for a coaster. Or worse. Heh.

Thanks to everyone who entered, and be sure to keep an eye out on “The Blarg” for more contests!

Ain’t no Robert Frost,


Old Poop!