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Russian treats!

This month, we got Russian! Just like Trump!

Thailand came before Russia,

-Shady

I was recently reading up on the Kremlin (for this installment of Shady’s Shorts) when I decided to hit up Google Maps to see where it was located in Moscow.

I clicked on Street View to get a look at the buildings when I came across this:

Annie, are you okay?

Here it is zoomed in:

Are you okay, Annie?

That’s one smooth criminal!

He left the bloodstains on the carpet,

-Shady

…in handing Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov a big red button?

Or am I the only one who thinks that’s a little weird?

The Big Red Button

I hate mushroom clouds more than I hate mushrooms,

-Shady

…and had to share it with you.

I’ve altered nothing on it except the formatting, which I broke up into numerous paragraphs to make it easier to read. I’ve also gone ahead and interjected my own thoughts throughout the email. My posts are in parentheses and in red.

Enjoy!

Hello not the man familiar to me! (Hello not the woman I expected to get a creepy email from!)

I understand that you are surprised now that this letter has come to you. (Not really. I get a shitload of junkmail.) But I ask you to spend 5 minutes of your time and read it and perhaps it will change and your life and my. (Your… what? Don’t leave me hanging here, lady.)

At first I wish to be present. (That’s a good start. Better than being past, I guess.) My name is Marina. (Why didn’t you say that in the first sentence as opposed to the whole “Hello not the man familiar to me” thing?) I am 32 years old. (Me too!) I live in Russian Federation in the Novochebocksarsk. (No way! I had a college buddy from there! Oh, wait… he was from Novochebocksarski; you know, with an “I” on the end there. My bad.) I am not married and never was married. (Neither have I! We have so much in common, Marina!)

I have finished school and arrived in Courses of the visagiste and make-up. I finished it and then I went to work in Beauty salon but I never carried to find for me a man and but I wish to be with a loving man. (Ah… okay? Why are you telling me this? We just met.)

In the evening I am watching TV and saw that in Russia there are 30,000,000 women which live without men (That’s a lot of batteries you’re talking about there, Marina.) and that there are so many marriage agencies which have so many addresses and such agency can help to find a man for women. I went to one of such agency and addressed to them with the request that they could find for me the man they spoke to me that this service paid and that I should to pay about 1,000 roubles. (I have to be honest here, I don’t know if that’s a lot or a little. I’m not familiar with what the current U.S. dollars to roubles conversion is. Mostly because I have no clue what the fuck a “rouble” is.)

At first I thought that it expensively for me but then I thought and solved that money for me it not important that I want to be happy I want to love I want to have the relation and I want to have a happy family and I gave this one thousand rubles. And they suggested me to make the acquaintance with the man from other country. (You should have spent that money on an English set from Rosetta Stone. That swimmer guy Michael Phelps uses it, and he’s a caveman. If he can use it, you can use it, Marina.)

I have solved if I could not find the man from Russia I should search the man from another of the countries. And they gave me yours e-mail the address and spoke that you search to yourself the woman. (I search to myself the woman? Is that like a self-realization thing? Like I’m trying to find my inner feminine being or something? Because if so, I can tell you without hesitation that you should ask for your 1,000 baubles or whatever back from said agency.)

I took all data and went to the cafe Internet-cafe (Is that anything like the restaurant McDonald’s restaurant?) because I am not able to use well the computer (Or the English language, obviously.) and it is a big cost for my payment from work. I came to the Internet-cafe and asked that to me created the address e-mail that I from it could write you the letter. (You lost me. Sorry, I was busy paying attention to something a little easier to understand. Like nuclear fission.)

And here now you can see my letter. I wrote you it with hope that you will answer. (Does posting it on my blog and making fun of you count as answering you?)

To me have made a file which is called (my_data_full) and one photo that you could see my appearance and to solve for yourself completely would you like to begin dialogue and relations with me. (Oh… ah… really? Okay. Let me take a quick peek here.)

Girl I am not familiar with.

Woman not familiar to me.

(GOO! Give Mikhail Gorbachev his face back, lady!)

Only I ask you at once look at the photo esteem the letter think and solve precisely would you like to have correspondence with me? (Okay, seriously, I know you’re a foreigner and all, but that last sentence was your worst. I don’t even know where to begin on that one.) I don’t want to be a friend. (Well, fuck you, lady!) It is not necessary (Oh, so it’s just a sex thing you want then, huh? Hmmm….) I am ready for serious relations. (Whoa, whoa, whoa… serious relations? We just met! And you look like Ed Asner and, last time I checked, a majority of the people in California wouldn’t let me marry you even if I wanted to!) Very necessary to love, to give my love for MAN and creation of a family. (When you capitalize “man” right there, is that like The Man? Or all men? Or just me?)

It is possible I ask you very fragile person (Like someone with bone cancer or something?) if want to have serious relations write me tell me (Write you? Tell you? You’re awfully demanding there, Stalin.) If you are not necessary to you I will understand you. (That makes one of us.) And still I wish to speak to you, on a photo turned out not so well as professional but you see me such as I look in a life. (I do see you in real life. In real life, you are a swamp donkey.) And you can precisely define such woman as I is necessary to you or not. (Huh?)

Very big request Also would like if you nevertheless are interested in me that write to me about yours e-mail where we with you could speak and a little good photos you have gone to me. Here like and all that I wished to speak with you and now I only needed to wait from you for the answer and I hope that you will write that to me if I was not pleasant to you or serious relations are not necessary to you let to me know. (Okay, I take it back: THIS is your worst sentence.) The lonely woman from Russia Marina.

I hope your new friend well I hope that I can become for you friend Juliya! (Wait… Juliya? Who the fuck  is Juliya? You said your name was Marina! And, come to think of it, when your email came in it said it was from a Colin Dunbar! Which one are you, lady? Or man?) Can you send me you photo and story life on my e-mail: [EMAIL WITHHELD] (You want me to send you my photo and story life, which I’m assuming you meant “life story,” right? Ah… no.)

P.S. My photo and all data are in archive. My e-mail:  [EMAIL WITHHELD] (Yeah? Well, now your photo and email are in the Blargive, you yak beast! So bite that with the three teeth you were able to keep after Chernobyl!)

Back in the USSR,

-Shady

Old Poop!