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…hijacked my cell phone at a party last weekend. When I finally got it back, my phone was… well, different.

The first menu page hadn’t changed:

The second menu page, however, had a bunch of wonderful new apps including “The Holy Bible,” “Boy Ahoy” and “FOX Sports” among others. (Note: The first three apps in the top left were already there.)

The third menu page was filled with a bunch of pro-Republican, Justin Bieber and vegan apps. Oh, and one about periods. I’m still trying to figure out which one of these is the scariest.

The fourth menu page was… sigh, you get the idea.

My calendar was also hacked. The next day, for an entire hour, I was scheduled to eat my grandma’s creamy potato chowder.

Every day thereafter, and I mean literally every day thereafter, at 4:00 AM (with an alarm that was scheduled to go off) I would be reminded that I have AIDS.

On September 11th I would be reminded to “never forget.”

And on Sunday, October 30th, which also just happens to be our wedding day, I was scheduled to “kiss happiness goodbye” in Chicago.

With friends like these,


Old Poop!