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…his vagina would be hanging out.

I normally don’t condone the public humiliation of private citizens, but this guy was a fucking jag, treating every employee in the store like total shit.

You deserve what you get, man purse.

Nice loafers,



Back when I was living in Columbus, Ohio my friends and I started a quote wall. Whenever a bit of brilliance (or otherwise) poured out of someone’s mouth, somebody would yell “Quote!” thus nominating it for Quote Board status. The quote then had to be seconded by someone (it almost always was), and then it would be written down to be forever immortalized on the Quote Board.

This is the modern day equivalent of that classic piece of my past.


Justin: (to Kathy) “Of course you’re cold. You’re a girl. Girls have vaginas. Vaginas leak heat. You’re cold because you have a heat-leaking vagina.”

Ralph: “And I have a heat-leaking missile.”

– Ralph Apel, 2/27/11

I think he was hitting on my girlfriend,



Only in Florida,


…when I noticed this strange contraption on their shelf:


I wasn’t really sure what Epifoam was, so I took a closer look and saw the following:

Epifoam detail

Really? Does that even need to be said? That’s like putting a warning on all meat grinders that says “Keep balls out of this device.”

I’m still not sure what Epifoam is for, but at least I know to keep it out of my anus and vagina. I mean, someone else’s vagina. Not mine.

Inserting it into everything else,


…about a conversation he had at a Christmas party a couple weeks back.

I wasn’t there, but the only set-up you need to know is this: Our friend Mark brought his 14-year-old son Julius to the party, and at one point the curious kid asked Jocco what a vagina looks like.

And now, the email:

I forget what we were talking about, but a bunch of us were sitting in Marla’s living room (Steve, Laura, Tiggins, Scott, Julius and Mark) when, out of nowhere, Julius asked what a vagina looks like.

I looked at Mark and asked if it was okay. He said it was, so then I asked Julius if he had ever been to a Taco Bell before. You should have seen his expression.

What followed was one of the funniest group conversations I can remember. At one point, he asked how you stick the penis into the vagina, because he couldn’t tell from the technical drawings they show in health class.

At some point, the vagina was compared to the Sarlacc Pit from “Return of the Jedi,” and I told him never to stick his penis in one because it had teeth and would bite his dick off. As if that wasn’t awkward enough, he then wanted to know what a clitoris was and where he could find it.

After telling him it was the CG beak that Lucas added to the Pit in the Special Edition, I gave him the clinical description of how it forms and how, essentially, a clitoris is a little penis. That’s when Denise looked at me totally disgusted and deemed my clitoris knowledge incorrect.

That’s kind of the abridged version. I thought Mark was upset about it but he brought it up again at his party last night. I think my mom would have turned to stone if I even SAID “clitoris” when I was that age.

See what you miss when you move to La-La Land?

– Jocco