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So. Great.

And thanks to Erik and Robyn for sending the best Valentine’s Day cards ever.

I over-thought it.

That cipher admittedly took me a lot longer than it should have,


A damn talented homeless man...

…drawing these messages on the ground on Valentine’s Day.

...on the streets of Dublin.

Well worth a few euro,


In 2013, we spent it together in Budapest.

In 2014, we spent the day with our friend Rebecca in Brussels.

Last year, we Valentine’d it up with Rebecca and her husband Harry in Istanbul.

And this year, we spent it in America. Chicago, to be exact.

Valentine's Day 2016 with KB and Emily!

Wonder where we’ll spend Valentine’s Day 2017,


I love you all.

Well, most of you.

Be mine,


…here’s your goddamn contest prize:

Crappy contest prize for Paul Spooner

Look for it in the mail… sometime.

Shipping overseas,


Happy Valentine's Day 2010

Much love,


Goodbye, productivity.

Hello, Nintendo thumb,


Last night, I posted this review/contest for the piece of shit movie “Valentine’s Day.”

(I wanted to mention here briefly that while I was expecting to hate this movie, the two women I went with also hated it. So please don’t think “Valentine’s Day” is a chick flick. It’s a no-one flick.)

My review was short and sweet, just a simple quote from Bam Margera in “Jackass 2” after getting a dick farm branded on his ass: “I’d rather rip my dick off and throw it in the river than to do that again.”

In a postscript, I mentioned that I’d give a prize to the first person to email me with the name of the “wise man” whose quote I lifted. I expected to wake up to no emails, and then possibly have a few trickle in throughout the day. To my surprise, readers of this site apparently never sleep (or they get up way too fucking early) because the entries came rolling in just after I posted it.

And the winner is: Pauly Spooner! He emailed the answer to me at 1:18 AM. (He kind of cheated because he lives overseas and is hours ahead of everyone else, but whatever.) Congrats, Pauly! Send me your address and I’ll send you your prize, which is an original drawing of me sitting in the movie theater and suffering through “Valentine’s Day.”

Here are a few more insomniacs who entered, along with their times:

2:10 AM: Darby O’Gill

5:01 AM: Doug French

5:42 AM: James Dolata

A lot more people entered after that, but those were the earliest. Thanks to everyone who entered!

Get some rest already,


Valentine’s Day (New Line Cinema)

A wise man once said, “I’d rather rip my dick off and throw it in the river than to do that again.”

Wise indeed, wise man. Wise indeed.

Even worse than it looks,


PS: I have a prize for the first person who emails me with the name of said wise man.


In the meantime, spend the next four minutes and thirty-six seconds with Major Douche:

Tool was the creepiest live performance I’ve ever seen,


Old Poop!