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…right here:

Last night, Dori and I saw the new Twilight movie, “New Moon.”

I’d only seen the first half-hour of the first one, because Dori, who read the book, rented it. But I had to leave when one of the vampires started twinkling in the sunlight. No joke. He twinkled… like the bedazzled little turd-herder he is.

So, outside of the sparkling, I was pretty much out of the loop as to what actually happens in these films, beyond the overwhelming amount of teenagers being pretty put out by, well, everything. (There’s also a record amount of “like” and “um” in the dialogue. Pretty sure the script is just filled with those words, and no others. Maybe the screenwriter for this should hang out with the screenwriter from “Juno.” Then they can make teenagers’ heads explode.) Turns out you don’t really NEED to know what happens in the first film, because the second one is so awful, you don’t care three minutes in. Sure, it made $150 million in its first weekend or something like that, but so did Sarah Palin’s book thanks to that Darth Vader of daytime television, Oprah.

Save for some pretty great special effects when some werewolves fight– yes, the best part of a VAMPIRE film is when NON-VAMPIRES do something– this movie was bad… to a point where it could almost be one of those films we’d rent back in the day and make fun of the entire time.

I’ll stop ripping on it here, so as not to give anything away in case you are a huge fan and don’t care what my heartless, soul-less ass thinks about this supernatural love story. I’ll instead leave you with my favorite piece of dialogue. To set the scene, they’re in the woods (big shock), and something emotionally riveting is about to happen. Twinkle-pants is telling the drippy female lead he and his vampire family have to leave town. I can’t remember exactly¬†because I was trying to count my teeth at this point… by running my tongue over each individual one slowly and carefully. But then this happens. Say it out loud for maximum effect:

Bella: Are you telling me you don’t want me to come?

Edward: (after about two minutes of them just looking at each other, stifling tears… or seizures) I don’t want you to come.

I almost passed out trying not to laugh at this. Largely because these kids would have WAY less problems if they WOULD come. But instead of getting drunk and hand-jobbing each other, like good American teens should be doing at this age, they’re worried about dumb shit, like sunlight and LiveJournal.

Oh– AND, my former arch-nemesis is in this. (Not Tom Hanks. The most recent one.)

Just thought I’d share… in case you can see this with people who will drink and laugh at it with you.

Dwellephant

Better than any post I’ve ever written,

-Shady

…long after the day has come and gone!

Most people say that Christmas officially begins on November 1st. I say that Halloween officially ends on December 25th.

If you’re anything like me and are looking to celebrate Halloween well into December, you’re in luck, because two new horror movies are ready to keep all you blood-thirsty goons satiated until Santa brings his behind down your chimney.

Dig ’em!

"Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet"

“Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet” (Chaos Squared)

Synopsis: A modern-day retelling of the Bloody Mary legend. As a kid, Mary Hatchet went nuts and killed her entire family with an ax. While locked up in the local loony bin, a security guard violently rapes her. She gets pregnant, gives birth, and the hospital immediately takes the baby away from her because, you know, SHE KILLED HER FUCKING FAMILY! Later, she somehow manages to go on a kill-crazy rampage through the hospital (luckily, while being naked) and escapes, only to be shot to death by cops shortly thereafter. And now her spirit won’t rest until she gets her baby back!

Why it’s fucking awesome: Man… for so many reasons. First, because Mary Hatchet is played by a hot chick who spends the entire movie running around butt-naked and covered in blood. Look at the poster above! If you like horror movies and naked women, this is the movie for you! Second, because there’s more sex in the first half of this movie than in some pornos. Keep your ears open for a hilarious blow job scene that sounds like Sasquatch eating a bowl of New England clam chowder. And lastly, because the gory special effects are awesome! They kick it old school, with physical props rather than CG, and it looks fantastic… especially when a third of a guy’s face is hacked off and it slides down his head!

How you can own it: The DVD was released yesterday, just in time for Halloween! You can also rent or buy (both by download) a digital copy of the movie by clicking here. To learn more, click here.

"Live Evil"

“Live Evil” (LEM Entertainment)

Synopsis: A cowboy/samurai/priest (I’m not kidding) is on a cross-country hunt, hot on the trail of a gang of vampires who are headed to Los Angeles in search of blood. Drugs, alcohol and venereal diseases have polluted much of America’s bloodstream. Because of this, the vampires have a thirst that only “pure” blood will quench. Luckily, they know a blood dealer on the West Coast who sells some Grade A, blood-bank shit! Will they get their fix? Or will the vampire hunter get them first?

Why it’s fucking awesome: Like most vampire horror movies, this movie has an impressive amount of blood and guts. But “Pure Evil” has something most other vampire horror movies don’t: A FUCKING COWBOY/SAMURAI/PRIEST! Duh! It’s a blood-and-guts, cat-and-mouse chase… WITH A GODDAMN COWBOY/SAMURAI/PRIEST!

How you can own it: On Tuesday, November 3rd, “Live Evil” will be avaiable both for DVD preorders, and on On Demand through all major cable providers. Click here to learn more.

Old Poop!