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“Frozen River” (Cohen Media Group)

1. What’s beautiful about this movie is its simplicity. Whereas most movies feel the need to show everything, “Frozen River” successfully tells its tale without overdoing the details. For example, one of the key characters of the storyline, a deadbeat gambling-addicted father, never even makes an appearance. But the rest of the cast brings him to life with the anger and resentment they hold for him.

2. Actress Melissa Leo, who portrays the film’s lead character Ray Eddy, deserves the Oscar hands-down for Best Actress. Of course, she’s the only non-rock star in the bunch and will be completely overlooked, but her performance is light-years beyond anything Kate Winslet did in her portrayal of a Nazi pedophile in the absolute worst movie of the year (possibly decade), “The Reader.”

3. The film is exceptionally realistic and doesn’t rely on standard Hollywood gimmicks in its storytelling. At times you feel as if you’re watching a real-life documentary, not a fictional movie that was distributed by Sony.

4. You end up either liking or at least sympathizing with each and every character in the film; from the credit card-stealing son, to the financially-struggling and human-smuggling mothers, to the 9-to-5 cop who’s just doing his job, it’s possible to relate to them all.

5. “Frozen River” is in my top five films of last year. So is “Slumdog,” and I know everyone has a boner for it right now, but “Frozen River” is an overall better movie. It lacks the Disney fairytale ending that “Slumdog” suffers from, instead deciding to stick to its realistic guns and leave viewers maybe not with a happy ending, but definitely with a better story.

Frozen River Phoenix,

-Shady

PS: Just in case you were wondering, my top five films of 2008 were (in order of first to fifth place):

1. “Wall-E”
2. “The Visitor”
3. “Frozen River”
4. “Burn After Reading”
5. “Slumdog Millionaire” and “The Wrestler” (tie)

And just for fun, here are my top five most-hated movies of last year (in order of totally shitty to just kinda crappy):

1. “The Reader”
2. “Rachel Getting Married”
3. “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”
4. “Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”
5. “Revolutionary Road”

“Vicky Cristina Barcelona” (The Weinstein Company)

1. Woody Allen has this amazing talent of taking boring and mundane scripts and turning them into BORING AND MUNDANE MOVIES. Why did I just sit through this? Come to think of it, I’ve never really liked Woody Allen all that much anyway, so why would I subject myself to this dull love tale?

2. Nothing could save this movie for me, and it had a lot of chances: Lesbian love between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz couldn’t save it; a ménage à trois (one dude, two chicks) couldn’t save it; a quirky little soundtrack couldn’t save it; even Javier Bardem couldn’t save it, and I love that guy almost as much as I love watching two chicks double-up on him.

3. What you’ve heard is true: Penelope Cruz is the best part of the movie. She’s plays the part of Javier Bardem’s crazy ex-wife. Unfortunately, her small part in this hour and a half-long snore-fest is like slapping a Band-Aid over a hemorrhaging open wound.

4. The movie does feature quality acting talent, but each member of the cast has been in better overall films. Wanna watch a better Javier Bardem movie? Rent “No Country for Old Men.” Looking for a better Penelope Cruz flick? Check out “Vanilla Sky” (or the original it’s based off of, “Abre Los Ojos”). Wanna see Scarlett Johansson do better? Pick up “Ghost World” or “The Prestige.” Wanna see a better Woody Allen movie? Good luck.

5. Did I mention that not even LESBIAN LOVE could save this movie for me?!?

Like porno for old people,

-Shady

Old Poop!