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What a buffoon.

I encourage each of you to do what I just did and report him.

STEP ONE:

Seriously...

STEP TWO:

...spot...

STEP THREE:

...on.

It’s both accurate and funny!

Word,

-Wayne

I know some of you are of the mindset that we must remain vigilant and keep an eye on him at all times—keep your friends close, your enemies closer and all that—and while that is partly true, keeping tabs on him is only half the battle. The other half is learning when to completely ignore him.

Today—one of the darkest days in American history—will undoubtedly be the biggest, most important day of his pathetic little life. Do not add to his already (unjustly) inflated ego by tuning in. Don’t add another viewer—another set of eyeballs—to the train wreck as it unfolds on live television.

The only good that could possibly come out of today is that some hero throws an unripened tomato at his dick. And believe me, if that actually does happen it will be all over the internet in half a second.

So don’t slow your car down. Don’t roll your window down for a better view. Don’t gawk. Just keep on driving.

Because the key to fighting this putz will be to watch him like a hawk when he wants to stay hidden, and completely ignore him when he’s looking for the attention he so desperately craves. It will take time to master, for sure, but unfortunately we have four years to figure it out.

An easy way to gauge whether or not you should be paying attention to him is this: If he’s smiling that smug grin, waving with his tiny hands, and quoting his stupid fucking reality show, odds are he’s counting on you to tune in.

Don’t give him the pleasure.

More soon, so stay tuned. We’re just getting started.

Word,

-Wayne

Obnoxiousocks!

…but, for obvious reasons, I had yet to wear them.

That is, until today… after I fixed them.

Still obnoxious... but at least more accurate!

I say fuck Godwin.

Word,

-Wayne

Well, well, well....

Eight years to be exact.

For those of you that don’t know who I am, allow me to introduce myself: I am Wayne Chinsang. From time to time, I’ve been known to go by Insane Wayne Chinsang. For many years, I ran a little magazine/website/cult named Tastes Like Chicken. There will be more announcements about Tastes Like Chicken in the near future, but for now I’d like to talk about some more pressing issues.

Earlier today, I received this email from my old boss. Some of you may know him as Shady:

Fuck yeah, I'm down. Especially if I can get on that sweet payroll again.

You see, during the run of Tastes Like Chicken (from 1998 to around, say, 2007 or so), Shady quietly ran shit anonymously behind the scenes while I was the angry (and much prettier) face of the magazine. That isn’t to say Shady and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on most things, but I was always much better at voicing my… let’s just call it dissatisfaction with the world than he was.

And, I mean, let’s be honest here: Shady is a shell of the man he was during his TLC days. He’s now the father of a little girl. He has a tattoo of the Muppets on his arm. And that’s not even to mention his male-pattern baldness, or the fact that he just turned 40.

None of those things describe me. I am the father of exactly zero children (that I know of), the only tattoo I’d ever get would be of the phrase “TATTOOS ARE STUPID,” and I have a luxuriously full head of hair. Oh, and I don’t age. No, seriously, I never age. That’s what happens when you’ve spent the last eight years of your life sleeping in the abandoned ruins of a castle in Romania.

But I digress….

See, the thing is, I was able to take an eight-year break from reality because, as far as I could tell, humanity was mostly back on track. Sure, there was awful shit going on in the world, but we’re never going to be able to fully eradicate all misery. Not as long as contemporary country music exists, at least. Still, humanity was progressing nicely. We all seemed to be getting along together fairly well, or, at the very least, we respectfully accepted our little differences as simply that: little differences.

But then today I get that email from Shady, and after a quick Dogpile search (I told you, I’ve been gone awhile) I find out that 60 million Americans willingly voted a pussy-grabbing fascist into the White House. I’d like to say I’m surprised by this outcome (as Shady obviously was, as illustrated by his sophomoric and minimalist reaction of teen angst), but I’m really not. I mean, we’re talking about a country that elected that Texas hilljack Dubya (AKA George W. Bush for the newbies) into the White House twice. Twice!

All of this is to say that Trump’s ascension to the top of the political shit pile that is the U.S. government is about as surprising as Kanye West’s mental breakdown. (I spent a lot of time on Dogpile today.)

And so, Shady has decided to pass the anger baton on to me for the next four years, and rightly so. Because, when compared to me, Shady just doesn’t possess the appropriate amount of anger needed to adequately tackle this fucked-up turn of events. I, on the other hand, most certainly do.

Need proof? I once started an online petition to God to give Dubya cancer. For real! I really did that! And I don’t regret one goddamn second of it. Know why? Because Bush and his entire crew are still nothing more than petty war criminals. And I’ve said it before, and I will say it again: I will throw a fucking party each and every time a member of that administration leaves this mortal coil. Red Dog and Jack’s Frozen Pizzas on me, y’all!

But until that happens, Donald Trump, I’m turning my attention to you.

So while Shady concentrates on his silly “this is what I’m reading” or “here’s a misspelled sign” or “read this dumb quote one of my friends just said” type of posts here on The Blarg, I’m now in charge of managing the anger around here.

Because let’s be honest, folks… suddenly, there’s a fuckload to be angry about.

Stay tuned, dear reader. Trust me, it’ll be worth it.

Word,

-Wayne

Still overpriced.

…when something you wrote shows up in the bargain bin!

Still one penny better than the 99¢ Only Stores,

-Shady

…from Horror Happy Hour.

Dig it here.

Flattered,

-Shady

…that held a few old scripts I wrote years ago. But before I do, I figured I’d share two original sketches that Dave Crosland drew on the front of each one.

The first folder was for my “Bad Ideas” script. Dave drew himself, Jim Mahfood and yours truly (as Wayne Chinsang) on the front.

The second is for a spec one-shot I wrote for Marvel called “Dinner for Six.” (They passed on it.) Dave drew Rhino (of Sinister Six fame) on the front.

I always dug these quick sketches… but not enough to keep them forever.

Downsizing,

-Shady

…from “Spinetingler Magazine” right here.

Soon to be a major motion picture,

-Shady

Do Some Damage. Check it out about a quarter of the way down the page.

Or, feel free to read it here, but still check out their site because it’s sweet.

THE ROBERTS by Justin Shady, Wayne Chinsang and Erik Rose

Sometimes you come across an idea so perfect, and so simple, that you want to break down in tears if you didn’t think of it. THE ROBERTS is one of those cases. Two of America’s most famous serial killers are residents in the same retirement home. There, genius. What follows is dark, unsettling and deeply funny.

Killers sell,

-Shady

So I have two new children’s books coming out this August. I’m going to wait on talking about the second one until the work on it has wrapped, but the first one is a book called “The Lava is a Floor!”

I wrote the book with my longtime friend (and old college roommate) Jeremy R. Scott (also known in larger circles as “Jocco”), and once again it was an honor and a privilege to be able to work with someone I’ve known for so long.

“The Lava is a Floor!” is the tale of a brother and sister duo of monsters named Blarg and Clarg who live in the crater of a volcano. One day, they find themselves bored as can be and decide to use their imaginations and pretend to become the weirdest creatures they know: humans.

Jeremy did a great (and exceptionally fast) job at bringing Blarg and Clarg to life, and I wanted to share the first five pages of the book with you here:

"The Lava is a Floor!" page one

"The Lava is a Floor!" page two

"The Lava is a Floor!" page three

"The Lava is a Floor!" page four

"The Lava is a Floor!" page five

Published by Silverline Books under the umbrella of Image/Shadowline Comics, “The Lava is a Floor!” will be available in specialty shops and comic stores this August, and all other bookstores across the country this November, just in time for the Holidays!

So keep an eye out here for more “Lava” updates and shenanigans, and stay tuned for the announcement of my other children’s book.

I can’t believe they let me write kids’ books,

-Shady

Old Poop!