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He killed it!

…Uncle Bob!

Congrats! You win nothing!

He totally called it in the comments section a year ago,


…(click here if you have no idea what I’m talking about) is Doug French!

Doug “won” with this short story about the worst gift he ever received:

When I was a kid, our Cub Scout pack had a gift exchange. Names were drawn out of a hat, at which point you would go up and pick a gift. My name came up last, which means I was left with the default gift. Every parent had bought something from the store to donate to the pile, but the parent who donated my “gift” had instead asked their child to craft something. To much derision in front of the group, I was now the owner of a Western pistol made out of a papertowel tube, and a cardboard sheriff’s badge covered in glitter.

Congrats, Doug! I mean… that sucks!

Also, a dishonorable mention to Bill Pearson who entered the following:

Worst gift: A visit from friends in Los Angeles. (See attached picture.)

Thanks, Bill.

I got a lot of entertaining/pitiful stories, so thanks to everyone who entered! Look for your crappy prizes in the mail soon, Doug!

Turning your tales of crappy gifts into crappy prizes,


…for best decorated. Click on the image to view a larger version.

Not only is the cat two stories tall, and it straddles the sidewalk allowing people to walk underneath it, but its head also turns from side to side!

Holy crap!

They should have a Halloween-off with Jorge,


…here’s your goddamn contest prize:

Crappy contest prize for Paul Spooner

Look for it in the mail… sometime.

Shipping overseas,


Last night, I posted this review/contest for the piece of shit movie “Valentine’s Day.”

(I wanted to mention here briefly that while I was expecting to hate this movie, the two women I went with also hated it. So please don’t think “Valentine’s Day” is a chick flick. It’s a no-one flick.)

My review was short and sweet, just a simple quote from Bam Margera in “Jackass 2” after getting a dick farm branded on his ass: “I’d rather rip my dick off and throw it in the river than to do that again.”

In a postscript, I mentioned that I’d give a prize to the first person to email me with the name of the “wise man” whose quote I lifted. I expected to wake up to no emails, and then possibly have a few trickle in throughout the day. To my surprise, readers of this site apparently never sleep (or they get up way too fucking early) because the entries came rolling in just after I posted it.

And the winner is: Pauly Spooner! He emailed the answer to me at 1:18 AM. (He kind of cheated because he lives overseas and is hours ahead of everyone else, but whatever.) Congrats, Pauly! Send me your address and I’ll send you your prize, which is an original drawing of me sitting in the movie theater and suffering through “Valentine’s Day.”

Here are a few more insomniacs who entered, along with their times:

2:10 AM: Darby O’Gill

5:01 AM: Doug French

5:42 AM: James Dolata

A lot more people entered after that, but those were the earliest. Thanks to everyone who entered!

Get some rest already,


I know people have been waiting in breathless anticipation for this post, so let’s get right to it!

Here are all of the entries (listed in no particular order) for “The M. Night Shyamalan Poetry Contest!”

I’m going to post all of the entries first, and announce the winner of the contest at the end. Some people entered numerous times, so you’ll see a few names popping up two or three times.

Untitled Haiku
By Ralph Apel

M. Night Shyamalan
Name’s too long for this haiku
“The Village” was shit

Untitled Poem
By Ralph Apel

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Fuck off, M. Night
Your worthlessness doesn’t deserve the time it took me to write this poem about you.
I did like “Unbreakable,” however.

Untitled Haiku #1
By Frank Cvetkovic

Marky Mark leads his
Funky Bunch across the state.
Trees try to kill us.

Untitled Haiku #2
Frank Cvetkovic

Bruce Willis is dead.
There! Now you don’t have to spend
Five bucks to rent it.

Untitled Haiku #3
Frank Cvetkovic

I don’t think I’ll go
See “Lady in the Water.”
What else is playing?

Untitled Poem
By Mandy Tuthill

Shyamalan, a Ding Dong

If only horror writers
Could capture in words
The dread of a nation
Anti-anticipating your next release.

I see dead careers.
Why isn’t yours one of them yet?




Untitled Poem
By James Decker

I kinda like “Signs”
the one where faithless Mel whines
I liked the ones with Bruce
but your others smell of deuce
Especially “Lady in the Water”
the one with Ron Howard’s daughter

i am the sign of the times
By Susanne Iles

i am so pretty am i
wanted to be an actor i am
in my own films the lead am i
a one-trick pony not me i am

an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a story that repeats
‘til the twist (which repeats) film after film after i
am an echo of other’s writings not plagerist not i
am my own happening

Untitled Poem
By Lisa

Regurgitated bile is vile
M. Night movies are worse
My life hours repeatedly stolen
And now the minute spent on this verse
I am ashamed

Untitled Poem
By Voltaire

This is in defense of Shyamalan,
Please do your best to follow along,
You may think I’m a sap,
And that his work is all crap,
But I’ll explain why you’re so wrong.

“The Sixth Sense” helped Night burst on the scene,
It was unlike anything we’d seen,
But in every movie since,
We’ve expected the twist,
And it’s made his reviewers obscene.

I won’t say Shyamalan is always great,
“The Happening” makes that an impossible position to take,
But just ‘cuz he’s made some crap,
Doesn’t mean he’s all bad,
So I think everyone should give him a break.

And the winner is… Voltaire!

Why? Well, for two reasons. One, Voltaire is one of the few people who entered who I don’t personally know! And two, because they’re honestly a fan of Shyamalan’s work and will appreciate the copy of “Signs.”

I think the rest of us would have probably used it for a coaster. Or worse. Heh.

Thanks to everyone who entered, and be sure to keep an eye out on “The Blarg” for more contests!

Ain’t no Robert Frost,


Old Poop!