“Vicky Cristina Barcelona” (The Weinstein Company)

1. Woody Allen has this amazing talent of taking boring and mundane scripts and turning them into BORING AND MUNDANE MOVIES. Why did I just sit through this? Come to think of it, I’ve never really liked Woody Allen all that much anyway, so why would I subject myself to this dull love tale?

2. Nothing could save this movie for me, and it had a lot of chances: Lesbian love between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz couldn’t save it; a ménage à trois (one dude, two chicks) couldn’t save it; a quirky little soundtrack couldn’t save it; even Javier Bardem couldn’t save it, and I love that guy almost as much as I love watching two chicks double-up on him.

3. What you’ve heard is true: Penelope Cruz is the best part of the movie. She’s plays the part of Javier Bardem’s crazy ex-wife. Unfortunately, her small part in this hour and a half-long snore-fest is like slapping a Band-Aid over a hemorrhaging open wound.

4. The movie does feature quality acting talent, but each member of the cast has been in better overall films. Wanna watch a better Javier Bardem movie? Rent “No Country for Old Men.” Looking for a better Penelope Cruz flick? Check out “Vanilla Sky” (or the original it’s based off of, “Abre Los Ojos”). Wanna see Scarlett Johansson do better? Pick up “Ghost World” or “The Prestige.” Wanna see a better Woody Allen movie? Good luck.

5. Did I mention that not even LESBIAN LOVE could save this movie for me?!?

Like porno for old people,